Thursday, October 3, 2013

House Republicans Brave Shutdown, Assure Worried Supporters: "We'll Manage to Put Food on Our Tables"

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The shutdown of the federal government by House Republicans will enter its fourth day on Friday. Congress has yet to resolve the fiscal impasse with Democrats, despite a flurry of legislative activity this week. The frustrating inaction, which has led to furloughs and hundreds of thousands of government workers bereft of pay, was further complicated Thursday when a woman attempted to breach security by driving through blockades surrounding Capitol Hill. President Obama singled out House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) as the primary impediment to progress, accusing the GOP of treating the American people as "pawns in some political game." House Republicans retorted that they too are among the countless Americans now out of work, and bravely reminded their constituents not to worry: "It's tough being unemployed, but like you, we'll find a way to keep the lights on and put food on the family table until this job situation turns around."

Late Thursday evening, many conservative representatives reached out to supporters to alleviate their concerns.

"A lot of people in my district have written me incredibly heartfelt letters, urging me not to lose hope," said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va.). "Some included cash to help buy groceries, others have offered me part-time jobs, and just a little while ago, we even had some people show up at the doorstep with casseroles and canned goods. The outpouring of support and affection has been overwhelming."

Inflexible Republicans prevailed in preventing the debt ceiling from being raised, despite efforts by Democrats to invoke procedural maneuvers that would have forced a vote for a six-week extension in government spending. They argued that continuing to increase the debt, which the current fiscal proposal would have done, risks crippling the nation's ability to grow indefinitely. Their reasons were fueled by the likelihood of tax hikes for corporations and a socialist medical plan that could extend the lives of millions of Americans.

"Raising taxes for employers like GE and Exxon would cut into their profit margins," explained Carlisle Olden-Whitely, chairman of San Narciso's Association of Republican Seniors, Wives, Young Professionals and Entrepreneurs (ARSWYPE). "Once profit margins start dipping below the 200 percent mark, you come perilously close to sustaining operating overhead with only a reasonable cushion. Forget executive bonuses. At that point, there's no incentive to pay or hire workers, so the economy goes right back into recession."

Obamacare also chips away at profits, Whitely noted. But the Affordable Care Act presents the much larger danger of a population of increasingly older Americans.

"Right now, a lot of folks die around retirement age, which means fewer people on Social Security, Medicare and other expensive welfare programs paid into by healthy, vibrant young people who don't need the services their contributions fund. If Obamacare takes hold, we could be looking at a significantly lower mortality rate -- people living well beyond their retirement years, not contributing to the workforce and sucking up taxpayer contributions like vampires carving a path to the blood of innocents."

Speaker Boehner, the man at the center of the rhetorical war, tearfully told reporters that he made a tough decision, but "the right decision. I sympathize with all those Americans now wondering how they're going to pay their bills. I'm in the same rudderless yacht."

Obama scoffed, pointing out that for the all essential services kept running during a shutdown, Congressional pay somehow continues. He told the nation to stop letting a "hard, selfish, insincere Boehner" do their thinking for them. "In the end, a Boehner will push and shove until it gets what it wants, which usually ends with you buried deep in some hole."

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