SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Hundreds of students from San Narciso College were arrested Tuesday night after violent, politically charged protests erupted across the campus in response to the announcement of President Obama's reelection. Police say the incident started with an argument shortly after 9:00 p.m., which escalated in an exchange of racial epithets. Eventually, around midnight, a fire started as outraged students burned campaign posters depicting support for Barack Obama. "It was the fire alarm that alerted police to the mayhem," said SNPD spokesman Ren Williams. Some nearby residents criticized police for their three-hour response time. Williams attributed the delay to the students themselves. "This is one of the most staunchly Republican towns in the nation. Certainly the most conservative in California. Therefore, none of the students could locate a Barack Obama poster or yard sign within county limits. So they made their own. Some even constructed elaborate effigies. That process took them a few hours. And that's when the blaze finally began." But school officials painted a much different picture, describing the demonstration as a misguided attempt to celebrate Bonfire Night -- a British holiday also known as Guy Fawkes Day -- on the wrong date.

SPECIAL GUEST EDITORIAL (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- To those of you outside San Narciso County, Calif., who may not be familiar with my campaign, I'd first like to introduce myself. My name is F. Chester Greene. I'm a socially, fiscally, racially, philosophically, and religiously conservative Republican; and I'm running for the office of President of the United States of what used to be America. Sure, you haven't seen me mincing and preening across your TVs during those ridiculous debates, and that's because I respect you enough to not waste your valuable time dickering about policies I'll only flip-flop on as soon as I'm nominated. Campaigns are terribly painful ordeals -- mostly for the voters forced to endure them. And if you were to vote for me based on whatever tactics I employed to attack my opponents, I'd only let you down once in office.

My quote-unquote peers, on the other hand, clearly have nothing better to do with their time, your vote, or all that PAC money they've raised. They don't care about you. In fact, one could argue that they really hate your guts. But I understand that dignity is precious; that your intelligence has done nothing to warrant insult; and I've saved my money to beat the spineless, vacuous waste of outside air who hopes to earn his coveted seat in the Oval Office. See, I've bided my time to go against that moron, who will probably be an elitist with a history of questionable spiritual convictions, wishy-washy policies, and serial marriages. Or, it'll be the Mormon. I'm banking on the write-in vote, which gives you more power over your ballot by transforming it into a mandate -- not a glorified Scantron. Plus, as a write-in candidate, I've got a better chance of earning your vote since you've no doubt realized what festering idiots -- of heroically vile proportions -- these candidates really are. If you're mad as hell and don't want to take it anymore, then write my name on your ballot for president. If you're not sure why, here's a list of my positions -- of the things we all should stand for.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- This year, the San Narciso County Chamber of Commerce was forced to shutter the community’s second annual Haunted House Spooktacular, scheduled to open Wednesday at 6:00 p.m. in the Lake Inverarity Social Hall. Unfortunately, the event drew more police and paramedics than Halloween thrillseekers in its three short hours of operation. Signs posted around the county by event organizer Francis Baldhamer warned: "If you can't afford to have the pants scared off you, don't wear any!" While only a few inappropriate teens took the message at its word, the problems arose when parents failed to exercise caution by bringing along children under the age of 12. "I don't know how things went so wrong," a flustered Baldhamer told reporters. "Because of some creepy thematic elements and frightening scenes, we were worried that younger kids could become very upset by a few of the images. But we had no idea how upset the kids -- and their parents -- would actually get. This is truly a tragedy." The theme for this year's event was "American Nightmares," a politically charged horrorshow that envisioned a chilling apocalypse of socialism unleashed by a mysterious Kenyan reelected to the office of president. Bennington Vale is one of the nation's most conservative cities, and Baldhamer expected some watery eyes and unsettled nerves. He didn't expect soiled clothes, seizures, heart attacks and three suicide attempts.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Millions of Americans along the eastern seaboard are facing long days ahead without power or public transit in the devastating wake of superstorm Sandy. Worse still, the death toll has now risen to 39. Sandy has interrupted all facets of life for over eight million residents, but its effects can be felt by a much broader swath of the country. With just a week left before people head to the polls, the election has also been hobbled by the megastorm. President Barack Obama suspended his campaign to take charge of disaster relief efforts, putting the welfare of the nation before political ambitions. His challenger, however, sees things differently. Romney attacked his opponent for several failures in leadership during the disaster. "President Obama abandoned the campaign -- the American people -- to hole up in his big house. Former FEMA chief Mike Brown criticized him for reacting too quickly to the storm, and the president failed to provide those in Sandy's path with meaningful advice for preparations," Romney told an audience in Ohio. "I didn't do any of those things. I stayed on the campaign trail instead of worrying about the weather, I didn't react to the storm, and my campaign issued a list of useful tips for dealing with Sandy. That's why I should be elected in November."

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Senate candidate Richard Mourdock (R-Ind.) struggled to defend his controversial comments about rape and abortion Wednesday, telling the press his statements had been "twisted." Women's rights advocates across the country agreed: nothing, possibly not even Todd Akin's proclamation of "legitimate rape," could have been more twisted than presuming God's divine scheme for creation includes an endorsement of rape. The Senate hopeful has since taken pains to clarify his comments, though his attempts to back out of the startling assertions have ruffled the feathers of evangelical Christians who support the idea of "divine rape." They accused the Hoosier of arrogantly reinterpreting God's will. "Of course God pre-ordains rape," opined Nehemiah Goodman, a theological scientist employed by San Narciso-based defense contractor Yoyodyne. "Some women fight destiny and nature. Sometimes the government interfers with the Lord. Consider President Obama's mandatory contraception laws. And when obstinate politicians and selfish women defy God, He must intervene. Sometimes, those efforts are more intrusive or penetrating than others. Who are we to question Him? Who is Richard Mourdock to presume or apologize on God's behalf?"

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Tuesday night's restrained but still contentious presidential debate was the last opportunity for voters to see President Obama and GOP challenger Mitt Romney together until after the election results in two weeks. The stated focus of the final debate was foreign policy, even though both candidates took opportunities to circle back to discussions of the economy. But for all the gaffes, zingers and borderline brawls seen during the three encounters, one mystery remains unanswered: what were the candidates pensively, sometimes furiously, scribbling on their notepads? The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript rescued the discarded messages while digging through the dumpsters behind Lynn University, where our reporters were ordered by campus security to stay until the end of the event. The published transcripts follow.

Additional Reporting by Michael Livingston

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Former President George W. Bush, to knowing observers, was gifted with an uncanny knack for discreetly slathering his speeches with coded religious phrases, which provided targeted messaging to the evangelical base he rallied. Bush became a born-again Christian in 1988 while serving as liaison to the religious right for his father's administration. It was there he learned the art of broadcasting subliminal cues to evangelicals. Some of his favorite expressions included "hills to climb," "the valley below," "a time for rebuilding" and his go-to from Isaiah: "They will have no mercy on helpless babies and will show no compassion for the children." In large part, Bush's tactic managed to fly under most folks' radar while energizing born-agains who shared his belief that God wanted war waged on brown people worldwide. But when Mitt Romney unwittingly employed a similar strategy during Tuesday's second presidential debate, polygamous Mormon elders flew into fits of panic as their candidate revealed the church's still-present cache of "binders full of women" and other secrets more damning than magic underwear and the Planet Kolob.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Janis Lane, leader of the Central Mississippi Tea Party, has helped a brave faction of conservative women emerge from the shadows to voice their support for the party's misogynistic doctrine. Lane came forward this week with a courageous admission of self-hatred that reinforces the Biblical principles on which the Tea Party's platform is founded. "There is nothing worse than a bunch of mean, hateful women," she said. "They are diabolical in how they can skewer a person. I do not see that in men." Lane is encouraging like-minded followers to convince others that women shouldn't be allowed to vote in this, or any, election. And to the relief of conservative men who have patiently but tirelessly struggled to restore the grace of God on America's morally bankrupt political system, Tea Party females across the country are carrying Lane's vital message of self-loathing to the public, possibly explaining Mitt Romney's four-point surge in swing states from a push in the polls by female voters -- even though they will not actually be casting ballots now.