SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Final construction of the Keystone XL pipeline resumed in January following President Trump’s success in clearing away political obstacles such as Native Americans. The project promises to create 35 permanent positions. The president’s latest executive order seeks to capitalize on those impressive employment figures by rolling back climate change policies that have hobbled the fossil fuel and coal mining industries. Analysts say this effort could create tens of jobs, which Trump hailed as “explosive double-digital growth.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In September 2014, former President Barack Obama again abused his executive privileges by unilaterally issuing a series of measures to shelter parts of the ocean from businesses, pushing the United States closer to economic ruin and communism. The misguided marine sanctuaries protect wide regions of the central Pacific from fishing, oil exploration and waste disposal enterprises -- powerful market sectors that must be revived to repair Obama’s depressed economy and restore employment to “billions of out-of-work Americans,” according to President Trump. His recently released budget plan aims to overcome these setbacks. Trump’s morally motivated cuts to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, and other environmental agencies, will seek to end the insidious “ecological fascism” that is eroding America’s greatness through the destruction of corporate fishing, oil spilling and trash dumping industries.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President Trump’s proposed budget, “America First: A Budget Blueprint to Make America Great Again,” may seem austere and disproportionately attuned to the needs of the military industrial complex, but the White House views its hardline approach as a “compassionate” and deeply patriotic plan, even though it eliminates funding for the arts, sciences, environment, education, healthcare and geriatric support programs such as Meals on Wheels. Trump’s cabinet assured the public that the new blueprint will restore America to the days of its past grandeur: a time of epic wars with foreign powers, a thriving economy based on defense spending and more reasonable limits on the lifespans of persistently lingering seniors who are depriving the nation’s underemployed Millennials of greater opportunities.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Thanksgiving is the day when millions of Americans take a break from their grueling grinds to spend quality time with loved ones and reflect on the things they have, or are mere minutes away from having. Gone are the staid feasts and overdressed gatherings that once took place in cozy Norman Rockwell dining rooms or the musty confines of grandma’s den. In the 21st century, families unwind in the nation’s bustling shopping malls, bonding over the brutal bloodsport of frenzied combat shopping, where they demonstrate the strength of their familial ties by trampling other families who are competing for the same merchandise at slashed prices. “I can’t think of a better way to give back and show one’s gratitude,” said Foster Geldhaben, a holiday economics specialist for the conservative Peter Pinguid Society. “And that’s why we’ve joined President-elect Donald Trump in accusing retailers who refuse to open on Thanksgiving of treason.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The success of Uber, the app-based personal transportation service, has renewed the demand for independent contractors. It’s also ushered in an emerging freelance marketplace called the “gig economy.” While the model may be great for business, labor advocates say it’s horrendous for workers and the wider economy. Pushing employees to sell their services independently weakens their security, cripples their long-term financial stability and depletes their purchasing power. Employees are, after all, consumers. But with the announcement Wednesday of an app-based call service for prostitutes -- the result of a partnership between Google Maps and Unter, a heavily funded startup by a conglomerate of savvy pimps -- labor regulators worry that the rise of this new “trick economy” will wreak further damage on millions of housewives and moonlighters who are seeking part-time opportunities to strengthen their household incomes.

“Voters want a more idyllic world, like the one in the 1950s. And we’re committed to dragging this country back 60 years so they can have it.” ~ F. Chester Greene, San Narciso Tea Party Chairman

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- After Tuesday’s electoral sweep, the Republican Party took its place as America’s dominant political faction, controlling both chambers of Congress. The primary challenge confronting conservatives now is how to rectify the issues that led to rampant disillusionment among the nation’s voters. Remember, this is the first time since 2006 that the GOP has taken control of Congress, when they lost their majorities in the House and Senate during midterm elections that were marred by widespread discontentment over the failed policies of the Bush administration. Now, they have recaptured their claim on government through a similar sense of disaffection. Fixing the economy, Republicans believe, will lead to the restoration of the values and prosperity that fueled that nation’s past success. So their first order of business is to revive once thriving industries and they jobs they created, beginning with asbestos, lead and large-scale apparel manufacturing.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President Obama once again abused his executive privileges Tuesday by unilaterally issuing a series of measures to close off parts of the ocean, pushing the United States one step closer toward economic ruin and communism. The president’s plan would create marine sanctuaries to protect wide regions of the central Pacific from fishing, oil exploration and waste disposal enterprises. The announcement, opponents say, demonstrates further evidence of Obama’s willingness to exercise his dubious executive powers to take over the world, kill thriving industries and destroy free markets.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Researchers from San Narciso’s Poeslaw Institute for Social Research and Development (PISRAD) offered new information about the economic necessity of high school proms in a report published Wednesday. Despite the tight spending restrictions many families have imposed on themselves, the money shelled out on proms continued to increase over the last three years. This year, however, data from a Visa survey indicated that families may be reining in their prom budgets. “Although sometimes discounted as nostalgic displays of bygone pageantry -- criticized for being outdated or, even worse, deemed exclusionary to those not in the upper middle classes -- proms experienced a surge in harsh economic conditions that saw consumer spending drop in nearly every other sector,” said Janus Heuchler, PISRAD director and head of the project.