SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Wednesday's ruling against Section 3 of DOMA by the Supreme Court left long-suffering members of the GLBT community jubilant and hopeful, but devastated religious conservatives who are opposed to promoting the rights of people they view as sexually immoral. Former Rep. Rick Santorum (R-Pa.) has been one of the most newsworthy anti-gay politicians over the past decade. In 2003, he famously warned that relaxing the legal definition of marriage would open the floodgates to all manner of deviant behavior, including "man on dog" relations. Today, in protest of the Supreme Court's ruling and to illustrate the very dangers implicit in the decision, Rick Santorum announced that he will marry a dog.

DES MOINES, Iowa (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) --Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.), the lone female in the GOP presidential race, announced Wednesday that she is ending her campaign after being swept away in a "persistent, savage and tacky" tidal wave of Santorum fever. "Last night, the people of Iowa spoke with a very clear voice, and so, I have decided to stand aside," Bachmann told supporters gathered in Des Moines the morning after she placed a dismal sixth in the caucuses. "Given that I am originally from Iowa, and that this conservative state is one of the few to legalize gay marriage and even elect an openly gay governor, and given that its very conservative Christian voters -- for some reason -- can't stop spreading Santorum over every inch of their beings, it's apparent to me that Iowa's chief export has become irony."

ALLENTOWN, Pa. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The editors and staff of The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript apologize for the unintentional inaccuracies we encountered during our reporting of a sinkhole in Pennsylvania. The article, fatally flawed, has been removed from the site. On Thursday, a large sinkhole appeared in Allentown, Pa., spreading quickly to a historic cemetery. As a result, 25 people were evacuated from their homes, according to fire officials. The cemetery holds about 20,000 graves, including 714 Civil War veterans. Because of a poor phone connection with our correspondent in Pennsylvania -- the home state of former Senator and current GOP candidate Rick Santorum -- numerous aspects of the story were misunderstood. The story was meant to cover both Santorum's surge in the Iowa polls and the threat of the sinkhole to Allentown residents. Unfortunately, the information came across as: "A giant stinkhole in Pennsylvania evacuated a surge of Santorum Thursday, putting over 20,000 veterans in their graves." Some of the confusion stemmed from conflicting interpretations of Santorum and a related article we published yesterday.

We are committed to accuracy in our reporting and have therefore deleted the misprinted story from today's post. Interestingly, other congresspeople in neighboring states wrote to tell us that they found no apparent errors in the original post.

(c) 2011. See disclaimers.

DES MOINES, Iowa (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- With the caucuses poised to dominate political media next week, Republican presidential contenders have planned aggressive campaign schedules throughout Iowa. According to polls, the top three candidates are current GOP front-runner Mitt Romney, Indieliberepublicrat Ron Paul and former Senator Rick Santorum, who has spent the last three months raising money for a comprehensive study to determine whether he actually exists or is merely the imagination of himself. Yet somehow, Santorum has trickled out from behind to reemerge as a formidable threat. Analysts say it's because he resolutely upholds issues important to conservative Christians, a significant demographic in Iowa. But Santorum's rise in the polls could be jeopardized by Thursday's news that Iowans under the age of 40 have refused to vote for any candidate, denouncing the tone of the elections as "disgusting and inappropriate." They cited as reasons Romney's obsession with gay television icons, Gingrich's fudge fixation and the bizarre elation over Santorum surging across the state.