SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Republican presidential candidate Donald J. Trump triumphed Tuesday night in his surprise victory over political rival Hillary Clinton, proving once again that the nation must never underestimate the power of frightened white people. As Trump’s electoral lead grew throughout the night, global financial markets crashed. However, they rose again early Wednesday after Trump’s polished acceptance speech. His ascendency also benefited some businesses directly. Rosetta Stone, provider of educational foreign language software, saw its revenues soar as millions of Americans signed up, frantically hoping to master Canadian French, German, Spanish and even British English. But for joyous conservatives, a Trump presidency spells welcome change -- in a doctrine of no change at all, or reverting back to the idyllic America of the 1950s. Most importantly, Trump will be the first commander-in-chief to finally win the bitter war on women.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Following Tuesday’s decision by U.S. District Judge Candy Dale to overturn Idaho’s ban on same-sex marriages, the number of states legally recognizing the rights of LGBT people to wed jumps to 19, a figure that incorporates the District of Columbia. Conservative members of Congress and their constituents have expressed outrage at the federal government’s nonchalant dismissal of traditional values. They also worry about the rising number of homosexuals cropping up in society. “Why are their numbers growing so rapidly and steadily, where are they coming from and what is responsible for creating them?” asked Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Texas), who likened the gay plague sweeping across America to the Nazi conquest of Europe. Some believe homosexuals are aliens from another galaxy who arrived on Earth during the same cataclysmic event described in the cosmogony of Scientology. But a burgeoning faction of Congressional Republicans now suspect that someone, or something, may have detonated the U.S. Air Force’s infamous “gay bomb” within the last three years.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- NBA Commissioner Adam Silver unleashed the association’s harshest punishment against Clippers owner Donald Sterling on Tuesday, issuing a lifetime ban and levying a $2.5 million fine, the maximum financial penalty permitted by the league. The decision came in the wake of racist remarks Sterling made to his mixed-race mistress, which she took public. On a recording released by TMZ, a man and woman -- presumably Sterling and his girlfriend V. Stiviano -- fought about Stiviano’s Instagram photos in which she frequently appeared posing with African Americans. Sterling on Wednesday maintained his defense, going so far as to declare himself the Thomas Jefferson of Basketball, but surprisingly admitted that he may unintentionally have been guilty of reverse racism. “If you look at the ethnic composition of the team, which is mostly colored, it’s clear to me now that I unfairly excluded whites from the sport.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Arizona Governor Jan Brewer has until Saturday to decide whether to veto Senate Bill 1062, which allows business owners with strongly held religious beliefs to refuse service to gays and lesbians. The controversial bill was introduced to protect the religious freedoms of Christian-based enterprises, but in doing so discriminates against members of the LGBT community, according to opponents. It has been dubbed “Turn the Gays Away” by civil liberties groups and gay rights activists. State senators, however, accused detractors of misinterpreting the intent of SB1062. “The bill doesn’t discriminate against gays, that’s a false assessment; it discriminates against any group Christians disagree with,” snapped Arizona legislator John Shillelagh-McPaddy.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Starbucks' outspoken CEO, Howard Schultz, staunchly defended his company's support of marriage equality last week when he challenged shareholders opposed to same-sex unions to sell their stock. Schultz was quick to point out that his endorsement of diversity had less to do with profits and economics than good corporate citizenship. During his five-year tenure as the global coffee retailer's chief executive, Schultz has adopted a rare role for a business leader: political activist. He has called for campaign finance reform, corporate social responsibility and now gay rights. Anti-gay companies such as Papa John's Pizza and Chick-fil-A balked in response. But prominent conservatives called for action against Starbucks, fearing that Schultz's embrace of the LGBT community would create a dangerous social situation. Tony Perkins, head of the Family Research Council -- now labeled a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center -- warned lawmakers that more gays frequenting Starbucks means more gays hopped up on caffeine. "And that can only lead to a terrifying outbreak of bestiality, sodomy, child molestation and skinny jeans," Perkins said.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- More than 50 years after Rosa Parks helped ignite the civil rights movement in America by refusing to relinquish her seat on a segregated bus and move to the rear of the vehicle, she became the first African American woman to be commemorated with a life-size statue in the Capitol's Statuary Hall. The dedication ceremony was held on Wednesday, with President Obama and Parks' surviving relatives in attendance. Her act of defiance directly influenced desegregation and was instrumental in the passage of the Voting Rights Act of 1965, which came under fire this week by the conservative justices of the Supreme Court -- particularly Antonin Scalia who labeled one of its key provisions a "racial entitlement." Despite drawing gasps and criticisms for his comments, Scalia continued to attack the relevance of the act, citing the slippery-slope dangers of racial entitlements as propagating racial inequality. In that same spirit of profound concern, Scalia told Congress they should move Parks' statue to a less prominent position in Statuary Hall -- the back -- to downplay the perception of racial entitlement.