SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Saturday, Gov. Chris Christie (R-N.J.), dubbed the least popular governor in America, ordered the state to close a taxpayer-funded beach during one of the busiest holiday celebrations of the summer. This weekend, revelers hoping to enjoy some sun and quality time on the sands of Island Beach State Park found the popular destination off limits -- to everyone but Chris Christie, who turned a public playground into his private Mar-a-Lago. Citizens of New Jersey erupted in fury after learning that miles of coastline would be roped off to accommodate Gov. Christie. But his aides explained that the governor’s “unnaturally immense stature” and past security incidents necessitated the action. “Last year, a horde of frantic children broke past security and desperately tried to push the governor into the water, screaming something about him being beached,”a spokesperson clarified.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- San Narciso County loves a parade. Unfortunately, these affairs often end in panic, arson, animal cruelty, religious offense, accusations of racism and bloodshed. We painfully recall the rash of self-inflicted gunshot wounds and hangings that accompanied the botched Valentine’s Day “Misery Loves Company” event. Then there came the urgent demand to cancel a mime troupe from performing at the 2016 Christmas Parade, given the lawful right of residents to carry weapons in public -- a mandate that arrived tragically late. Of course, few of us will ever forget Mayor Manny DiPresso’s heart-wrenching, Hindenburg-esque speech during the parade’s terrifying conclusion: “My dreams will forever be haunted by the sound of children screaming, dogs heaving and the eerie, guttural retching of the mule before it vomited out one of its internal organs.” It should then come as no surprise that parents summoned police to Friday’s pageant at Our Lady of Perpetual Whapping, called “St. Patrick Beats the Naughty Snakes from Ireland’s Trousers.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- For that odd one percent of the Bennington Vale’s unwed yet heterosexual population, Valentine's Day often marks a pensive evening of frozen dinners, cheap wine and a literary journey from “50 Shades” to Sylvia Plath. But don’t blame a dead saint. Esther Howland is your culprit. You see, back in 1847, this woman took what most considered to be another minor day of veneration and began mass producing embossed paper-lace hearts, the kind she’d seen in Europe, using the resources of her father’s book and stationery store in Worcester, Mass. The rest, they say, is history. A troubled, bleak, emotionally turbulent history of crushed spirits to honor a business bonanza that savages the hearts of the lovelorn. Fortunately, we at The Evening Transcript have reached out across the community to find some lovely things to fill in the hole where your heart should have been. It’s better than sticking your head in an oven, we promise.

PUBLIC SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- It’s that magical time of year again! And just as our Dear Leader Donald Trump will make America Great Again, your San Narciso County Police Department, in conjunction with San Narciso County Chamber of Commerce, wants to restore the greatness and safety of your post-Obama holiday season. The Annual Bennington Vale Christmas Parade is scheduled for Saturday, December 3, 2016. Sidewalks CANNOT be reserved with personal property until 5:00 p.m. or 5:30 p.m. if center medians are used. Such property includes tables, American flags large enough to drift into the floats, crosses over four feet in height, cross set ablaze (fire officials have canceled this patriotic display due to anticipated wind conditions), unattended children, domestic housekeeping staff, migrant landscapers and the elderly. The parade route spans Maxwell Street, Cape Horn Avenue and Tragic Courier’s Way, ending at Lake Inverarity’s Fangoso Lagoons. The event begins at 6:00 p.m and concludes at 9:00 p.m., with streets reopening 40 minutes later. A complete set of rules follows.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump cried foul after President Obama held a press conference Thursday at the White House Rose Garden to issue two Thanksgiving Day pardons. The ceremony also drew protests from Russian officials and white supremacists, who viewed the official order as an abuse of power. Obama tied the event to a series of executive actions he has taken to jump-start the economy, and which do not require congressional approval. “Well here’s another one: We can’t wait to pardon these turkeys,” the president said. After some initial confusion, Obama clarified that the turkeys in question were two flightless birds being spared their places on the holiday dinner table -- not Debbie Wasserman-Schultz and FBI Director James Comey.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Thanksgiving is the day when millions of Americans take a break from their grueling grinds to spend quality time with loved ones and reflect on the things they have, or are mere minutes away from having. Gone are the staid feasts and overdressed gatherings that once took place in cozy Norman Rockwell dining rooms or the musty confines of grandma’s den. In the 21st century, families unwind in the nation’s bustling shopping malls, bonding over the brutal bloodsport of frenzied combat shopping, where they demonstrate the strength of their familial ties by trampling other families who are competing for the same merchandise at slashed prices. “I can’t think of a better way to give back and show one’s gratitude,” said Foster Geldhaben, a holiday economics specialist for the conservative Peter Pinguid Society. “And that’s why we’ve joined President-elect Donald Trump in accusing retailers who refuse to open on Thanksgiving of treason.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Friday, November 11, the Unites States celebrated Veterans Day, a tribute to millions of men and women who have donned a uniform to uphold the nation’s defense. Conspicuously absent from the festivities, however, was President Elect Donald Trump. The soon-to-be Commander in Chief of the U.S. military did not attend a single Veterans Day event, according to multiple sources. He instead spent the long weekend scrambling to fill critical cabinet positions with alt-right propagandists, nativists, white supremacists and anti-Semites. Realizing the oversight, Trump’s aides posted a belated thank you message to members of the Armed Services on Twitter. Trump personally addressed the issue on Monday morning when he expressed his gratitude for our veterans by promising to “create millions more.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- For a sixth horrifying year, the San Narciso County Chamber of Commerce will host the community’s annual Haunted House Spooktacular, which opens Monday at 6:00 p.m. in the Lake Inverarity Social Hall. In years past, the event has drawn more police and paramedics than Halloween thrill-seekers. The 2015 Spooktacular was shuttered after three short hours of operation. Problems arose when parents failed to exercise caution by bringing along children under the age of 12. The theme for last season’s ghastly tour was “Death Panel: American Nightmares,” a politically charged horror show that envisioned a chilling apocalypse of socialism and forced euthanasia unleashed by a mysterious Kenyan serving as a U.S. president. Undaunted, the Chamber of Commerce will push forward this week with a new attraction that White House hopeful Donald Trump has deemed the scariest, most prophetic nightmare any conservative will experience this All Hallow’s Eve -- especially those who cherish family values, Jesus, patriotism and legal citizenship.