SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Bob Dylan’s handwritten lyrics to “Like a Rolling Stone” fetched a record-breaking $2 million at a Sotheby’s auction in New York this Tuesday. The purchase price easily topped the previous record of $1.2 million, which a buyer in 2010 paid to procure John Lennon’s personally penned manuscript for “A Day in the Life.” According to the auction house, an anonymous fan placed Dylan’s lyrics up for sale, saying he bought the document from the legendary folk artist directly. The identity of the winning bidder was not disclosed, but the man told Sotheby’s he was willing to “pay any amount to end decades of torture trying to figure out what the hell Dylan is mumbling about.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In April, the inspirational story emerged of an abducted 10-year-old boy who secured his freedom by singing a gospel hymn to his captor for three hours. They boy’s account went viral across social media and communities of faith. Willie Myrick was kidnapped from the driveway of his Atlanta home but dropped off hours later in another part of town after his abductor hurled expletive-laden demands for him to stop signing. Hezekiah Walker, the song’s composer, attended an event held in Willie’s honor where he received a standing ovation for his heroic, self-professed role in shepherding the child to freedom. “I really believe that God spoke through me to save that young man's life,” he told attendees. But Walker’s songs may not be the most effective for thwarting kidnappings. On Thursday in California, Bryce Hessington, 11, was let go by his abductors after a record-breaking two minutes -- for singing Justin Bieber’s “Baby.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A 38-year-old Massachusetts man was summoned before a judge Friday and ordered to stay away from the Rhode Island vacation home of singer Taylor Swift. Police in the area said the suspect ignored several warnings to desist from trespassing on the property. According to reports released by authorities in Westerly, the perpetrator used his truck to block Swift’s driveway on December 9. A neighbor phoned the police to alert them of the intrusion but stated that in the 30 minutes leading up to their arrival, Swift and the man dated briefly. He was escorted off the property immediately following the dissolution of the relationship. He returned December 21 and again dated Swift for about an hour, after which time she ended the affair. The man refused to leave and struggled with police. A Wakefield District Court judge imposed a no contact order and released the man on his own recognizance last week. However, on Monday the suspect filed a suit against Swift alleging unpaid royalties for the two songs she composed as a result of their failed romance.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, the Marion Barry of Canadian city governance, rose to the defense of Justin Bieber on Thursday after the host of the Washington D.C.-based radio program "The Sports Junkies" called Bieber "Canada's worst export." Ford added that he has never met Bieber, does not enjoy his style of music and has no deep affinity for the 19-year-old pop star because of their shared national identity. Ford, whose mayoral term has been plagued by drunken stupors and erratic crack-induced antics, said he's desperately been trying to connect with Bieber since authorities discovered drugs at the singer's Calabasas home earlier this month. "I'm not what you would call a 'Belieber,' but if I could visit Justin's place in Los Angeles and hang out for a weekend, I might be persuaded," Ford said.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- If the reports are to be "beliebed," over 100,000 people have signed a petition asking the White House to revoke Justin Bieber's visa and have him deported back to Canada. The megalomaniac teen singer has been embroiled in an ongoing series of legal troubles arising from his unrepentant misbehavior. But immigration experts say his removal from the United States on these grounds alone would be unlikely. Obama administration officials, however, admitted that Canada's adamant refusal to allow the extradition of Bieber back to the Great White North could spark an international incident.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- "XO," the first single off pop star Beyonce's eponymous new album, has sparked backlash among the surviving families of the Space Shuttle Challenger's doomed seven-member crew, all of whom perished when a malfunction led to the explosion of the vessel 73-seconds after launch. A haunting sample of the broadcast from Mission Control that fateful day -- January 28, 1986 -- plays during the opening of Beyonce's song: "Flight controllers here looking very carefully at the situation. Obviously a major malfunction." Use of the recording has led to outrage and condemnation. But other singers, such as Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus, say they also plan to incorporate samples from horrific tragedies into their own music to underscore the pain of trivial inconveniences and transient emotional setbacks.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Twitter, the omnipresent social networking tool that perfectly integrates with our ADHD society, could roll out its much anticipated music service on Friday. On Thursday, Twitter confirmed its acquisition of We Are Hunted, a San Francisco-based music offering that tracks popular songs across the Internet and social media. The company had already been working on an app for Twitter, which was expected to be released this week to coincide with the 2013 Coachella music festival. One of the main features of Twitter's latest development is the system's ability to recommend songs and artists that cater to an individual's likely preferences, based on the accounts that user follows. But the music service's primary appeal, like Twitter's micro-blogging aspect, comes from its inherent limitations, according to company representatives: Twitter Music pares down songs to the few essential bars listeners want in today's busy world -- 9.6 seconds, to be precise.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Wendell “Mucho” Maas -- operator of KCUF radio in San Narciso County, and contributing music editor for The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript -- has put together an eclectic Judgment Day playlist to help fritter away the hours until the end. Tune in to KCUF for more apocalypse-themed songs, which will begin broadcasting at 6:00 a.m. on Saturday, May 21. Programming will conclude, along with the rest of the world, at 6:00 p.m.



(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.