SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Tuesday, authorities in South Carolina announced that a 33-year-old police officer will face murder charges for the shooting death of an unarmed black man during a routine traffic stop. North Charleston Officer Michael Slager gunned down Walter Scott, 50, as he ran from the policeman’s drawn pistol. Video of the confrontation, captured by a bystander near the scene, clearly shows that the officer pumped at least eight rounds into Scott’s back. He then cuffed the hands of the corpse. Seizing the opportunity to divert attention away from recent controversies, relieved Republican lawmakers said the South Carolina tragedy settles a longstanding debate on the contentious topic of civil rights: uptight, conservative white people are still more afraid of unarmed black men than gays.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Halloween should be a spooky, thrilling and safe holiday event for children in San Narciso County. For that reason, the San Narciso Police Department is warning residents that continuing illicit Halloween traditions can be dangerous and may result in jail time. Some residents, as part of celebrating All Hallow’s Eve, have been engaging in dangerous behaviors that include “hogging,” hamster juggling (a no-tolerance offense) and the reprehensible creation of “jack-ov-lanterns” -- a sick practice started two years ago by Russian exchange students that involves bodily defiling pumpkins, which, in light of the Ebola scare, will be considered not only a biohazard but a flagrant act of terrorism. Following is a complete list of Do’s and Don’ts to ensure that you and yours have the best Halloween ever!

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A 78-year-old Mississippi man was pronounced dead on Wednesday by the Holmes County coroner, presumably as a result of cardiac arrest. Later that night, however, as morticians were preparing to embalm the body, the corpse reanimated. Employees at the funeral home said they were alerted to the resurrection when they heard movement, and then kicking, coming from within the body bag. Area residents called the incident a miracle. But science-minded Republicans attributed the cause to a curse against humanity by God for the ongoing spate of gay rights laws being passed across the country.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The scientists commissioned by President Obama to construct the polar vortex machine -- a massive and covert device capable of generating freezing weather patterns across broad geographic regions to replicate arctic conditions -- have admitted that the technology has gotten out of control and is now, itself, contributing to global warming. Dr. Mason Sturmarzt, the head meteorologist for the clandestine project, said the device -- the existence of which was uncovered Monday by conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh -- is displacing substantial amounts of heat, "just like a refrigerator or air conditioner. It's basic thermodynamics, and we should have accounted for that."

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As the nation prepares to commemorate the anniversary of the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, Conn., where 20 children were murdered by gunman Adam Lanza, a student at a Colorado high school opened fire on campus Friday, allegedly seeking to confront a particular teacher. NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre has been tirelessly pressing lawmakers to stop tightening the screws on gun owners, noting that the fear of weapons bans and spartan restrictions have hobbled responsible owners. Today, his dire warnings came to pass again as a pupil at Arapahoe High School in Centennial, Colo., shot two students and then killed himself, according to officials. "We have offered proven remedies, but all are met with unreasonable new laws that take guns away from people who can protect their loved ones," LaPierre said. "And so many of these killings seem to arise from interpersonal disputes, as we saw in Colorado today. Instead of weakening our Constitutional rights by banning weapons, we propose reinstating a tried-and-true American institution, embraced by our Founders, with well documented successes in conflict resolution: the duel."

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In January, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, the nation's foremost conservative business lobby, announced its annual ranking of the worst companies in America -- those organizations that consistently failed to embrace the true spirit of bottom-line capitalism. To make the prestigious list, companies had to demonstrate their failures to seize opportunities for maximizing profit potential by refusing to cut corners, reduce overhead, eliminate employer-sponsored benefits and perks, replace full-time workers with temps or automation, and outsource jobs to foreign nations with cheap labor pools and abysmal records of human rights. This Wednesday, just days after the biggest shopping day of the season, the Chamber upped the ante by accusing several of America's foremost retailers of un-American activities for their refusal to open on the holiday to champion the values of free market enterprise that define the morality and might of the nation.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Racists aren't actually racist, say two prominent racists embroiled in recent controversies over comments they made about people of varying ethnic and racial backgrounds. For the past week, Miami Dolphins guard Richie Incognito, whose public shaming has made him anything but incognito, has suffered at the epicenter of a scandal that involves allegations of hate speech beyond the already questionable hazing rituals in the world of professional sports. Then Richard Cohen, The Washington Post's reliably gauche and humorless columnist, candidly explored the "conventional" American's vomitous reaction to miscegenation, which endures in this century as a sort of societal emetic.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- George Zimmerman's fatal shooting of an unarmed teen named Trayvon Martin in 2012 sparked national outrage, a federal investigation, a reaffirmation of America's timeless love affair with the Second Amendment, and legal recognition, at least in the state of Florida, of candy as a legitimate threat to the nation's health, which must be put down through the exercise of extreme force. Zimmerman maintained that he gunned down Martin in self-defense, believing his life was in danger at the time the teen menacingly brandished a bag of candies and a dubious looking bottle of iced tea. A jury agreed and acquitted Zimmerman in July. On Wednesday, eight men invoked both the "Stand Your Ground" law and Zimmerman's "Skittles Defense" for their parts in the shooting of over 20 children on Halloween.