SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The recent EpiPen scandal recounts a familiar and reprehensible tale of greed: a pharmaceutical company purchases a dated drug, boosts the price and, in the process, dismissively impedes patient access to medication. Over the past year, Martin Shkreli has served as the poster boy for this sort of unapologetic avarice. Now, exit Shkreli and enter Mylan, which hiked the price of its auto-injection devices by 400 percent. Mylan blamed the price increase on the costs of the pens -- the medicinal value of the drug inside amounting to only a handful of coins. Dubious as the claim may seem, it’s working. And other enterprises want to capitalize on this lucrative trend -- particularly Bic, which manufactures one of the most popular ballpoint pen brands. Echoing Mylan’s concerns about the soaring costs of materials and resources, Bic announced Monday that its writing instruments will now cost customers more than $50 a pack.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- So-called “wunderkind” Martin Shkreli, a 32-year-old hedge fund manager, was already a controversial and polarizing figure in the world of pharmaceuticals. His deranged antics against a former employee became a social media and legal horror show a few years ago. And Monday, Shkreli stunned the nation up to its highest levels when he led his company, Turing Pharmaceuticals, to raise the price of a life-saving drug by more than 5,000 percent. Despite the public outcry and swift responses from Democrats like Hillary Clinton, Shkreli has become a GOP darling overnight. But who is this enigmatic, pitiless and depraved young cutthroat?

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Last August, Walgreens announced its plans for a $1 billion cost-reduction initiative. The largest U.S. drugstore chain upped the ante this Thursday when it revealed the anticipated closure of 200 stores across the nation, a move intended to further boost profits and increase the proposed cost-cutting effort by another $500 million. “After a rigorous analysis, the company has identified additional opportunities for cost savings, primarily in its Retail Pharmacy USA division,” company spokespeople explained in a statement to the press. Reorganizing staff and eliminating overhead expenses were two of the main strategies discussed. However, the decision to shutter 200 points of operation has left many wondering what will become of the workers in those locations. Walgreens vowed that it will not lay off its employees. Instead, the company launched a revolutionary program, patterned off of Uber’s obscenely lucrative business model, which will allow the affected workers to become independent contractors who peddle drugs directly to consumers on the streets.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Obesity in the United States is considered by many health experts to have reached epidemic proportions. Immediately after President Obama took office, First Lady Michelle Obama launched an aggressive campaign to promote exercise, nutrition and healthy habits for young children. As of today, 10,000 child care centers across the nation have adopted Mrs. Obama’s program. Her progress, according to federal health authorities, has also inspired parents to buy healthier, lower-calorie foods for their children. The success of these efforts is historic and undeniable -- the CDC reported last week an unprecedented 43-percent drop in obesity rates among two- to five-year-old children. But Republican lawmakers warn that this fitness agenda is a dangerous aspect of Mr. Obama’s socialist healthcare reform, intended to cripple the nation’s thriving health insurance market and destroy the economy.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Last week, in what Republicans labeled a socialist plot, CVS Caremark announced plans to stop selling tobacco products, including cigarettes, in its stores beginning October 1. This move makes CVS the first national pharmacy to pull tobacco products from its shelves. Executives for the drug chain said selling cigarettes runs contrary to the company’s core mission to promote the health of its customers. "Put simply, the sale of tobacco products is inconsistent with our purpose," said CVS Caremark CEO Larry Merlo. But influential members of the GOP now question the legality of a commercial enterprise deciding what it will or won't vend. On Monday, the head economist of a local Republican think tank said he was in the process of filing a formal complaint against CVS with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC).

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- New York based psychologist Gordon Gallup has posited an unconventional theory that the morning sickness suffered by pregnant women may be abated by continual exposure to the father's semen. Despite criticism from the medical establishment, Gallup -- long recognized for making headlines by touting the healing properties of sperm -- and his supporters remain undeterred. On Friday, Dr. Alvin Eugene Humphreys, a follower of Gallup's work, emerged in the media to take up his mentor's mantel and bring it to the next level by claiming that practicing prolonged and routine oral sex may cure women of countless ailments, from the common cold to cancer.

ATHENS, Greece (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- International pharmaceutical companies are working closely with European officials on emergency plans to keep drugs flowing into Greece if the country crashes out of the euro. Officials continue to assure the world that such an eventuality would be unthinkable, but it appears they are giving serious thought to the possibility. Not only has the Greek financial disaster blighted the European economy, it has caused worldwide shares of S.C. Johnson -- the owners of Windex -- to plummet. Drugmakers are reaching back to examine the 2002 situation in Argentina, when manufacturers continued to supply drugs temporarily without payment. Executives at major drug companies -- especially those headquartered in Europe -- admitted to being pressured by EU leaders to prevent a "health catastrophe," which could explode should Greek imports falter as result of massive devaluation of newly issued drachma. "There's a moral obligation to comply," representatives from PricewaterhouseCoopers told reporters Friday. "The fact is, we need to keep the Greeks doped up if we're going to get through this with any reasonable measure of sanity."

Johnson & Johnson has announced yet another Tylenol recall. The most famous incident occurred in 1982, when the company spent over $100 million removing tampered, cyanide-laced bottles from store shelves. Now, Johnson & Johnson is recalling more than 60,000 bottles of Tylenol Extra Strength Caplets due to a musty, moldy odor. Investigators with the FDA accused J&J of cutting corners by filling bottles with product they deemed "generic to the most absurd extremes."

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.