“The Republican Party is fighting for a freer and stronger America where everyone has the opportunity to achieve the American Dream without dying from Ebola” ~ Reince Priebus

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The United States has only been in the throes of this domestic Ebola scare for a couple of weeks, but media sources reveal that the coverage has already topped the relentless reporting of past doomsday-worthy scenarios such as the Boston Marathon bombing or the disappearance of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370. Some media watchdogs claim that over 7,000 references to the dangers of Ebola have made their way on air this week alone. Yet liberal organizations have derided such journalists as Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly and every Fox News pundit for failing to properly educate citizens about the real nature of the threat. “The result is a frightening level of misinformation about Ebola and a deep lack of understanding of the virus by most Americans,” Media Matters for America wrote Friday. And that’s why RNC Chairman Reince Priebus has leaked information sent to press outlets by the GOP, which seeks to correct misleading reporting by doctors, health officials, liberal politicians and leftist media.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Entertainment media reported last Thursday that Dina Eastwood, star of the E! reality series "Mrs. Eastwood and Company," had checked herself into an Arizona care facility for depression and anxiety. Dina is the wife of acclaimed actor, director and producer Clint Eastwood, who is best known for his intense and edgy performances in films such as "Revenge of the Creature," "Francis in the Navy," "The First Traveling Saleslady," "Escapade in Japan," "Breezy" and "Casper." Relatives emphasized that Mrs. Eastwood, 47, is not undergoing treatment for substance abuse. On Tuesday, a spokesperson for the family officially announced that Dina is seeking therapy to help her cope with Clint's increasingly erratic and delusional behavior -- in particular, his obsession with invisible people in empty chairs.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Rumors of a mystery speaker at the 2012 Republican National Convention sparked curiosity and speculation among attendees after being confirmed by one Romney aide. Tight-lipped members of the Romney camp hope the allure of the secret guest will entice more people to attend the event, which is suffering disappointing turnout figures because of Hurricane Isaac, women voters with self respect and Romney's astounding unlikability factor. When the RNC released the convention schedule Monday, it included the notation "To Be Announced" for a prime-time slot Thursday, which signals the finale of the conference. Russ Schreifer, the aide in charge of convention planning for the Romney campaign, admitted that an unnamed guest would be slated to address the crowd, but he refused to reveal any further details. However, insiders at Hollywood effects house Digital Domain -- the Oscar-winning CGI company responsible for the holographic resurrection of Tupac Shakur at this year's Coachella Music Festival -- leaked details of the big surprise, which they claim has been in the works for several months. "In a nutshell, we're using our technology to bring the Republican Party hero, Ronald Reagan, back from the dead to wow tentative voters," the source divulged.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Authorities in New Orleans escalated emergency procedures Monday as Tropical Storm Isaac barreled toward the Gulf Coast, on track to becoming a full-fledged hurricane. The menacing storm threatens to unleash serious flooding throughout the region on the seventh anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Meteorologists predict Isaac to make landfall on Tuesday or Wednesday. Not only have refineries closed and evacuation preparations begun, the storm has also impacted the Republican National Convention in Florida. Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, scheduled to sing the praises of Mitt Romney at the RNC gathering, had to cancel his trip. And just seconds after declaring the festivities under way, GOP chairman Reince Priebus closed the session, which threw conservative Christian Republicans into a state of panic from the resulting crisis of faith. "Our religious leaders, people like Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell and Rush Limbaugh, understood that catastrophes such as this are sent by God to punish sinners," a distraught Paul Ryan said. To appease the vengeful deity, GOP delegates are now contemplating desperate actions.