SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Carly Fiorina, the embattled former CEO of Hewlett-Packard, has declared her second candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination, pitting her against Democratic favorite Hillary Clinton. For one of the first times in U.S. history, voters will encounter a fresh dynamic in the battle for the White House between two viable women of stature and influence. Although misunderstood and much maligned for her countless business, social and political failures, Fiorina could emerge as one of the best chief executives for America today. In fact, she seems to understand the mindset, motivations and pulse of the public in a way that Clinton never will. Here are Fiorina’s positions on the issues and all the ways she could surpass Ronald Reagan as the country’s most beloved and effective Republican president.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) relentlessly nattered his way into the history books in 2013 after a 21-hour talkathon that has been labeled a “fauxibuster” because it did not serve to stop a vote over the Affordable Care Act, as a filibuster is intended to do. Inconsequential as his rant may have seemed, the Tea Party darling managed to portray himself as a conservative folk hero for the far-right fringes of the Republican faction. Then, this month, he did something even more bizarre: he enrolled in Obamacare. The newly announced White House contender explained his decision as a sacrifice to illustrate the dangers of socialized medicine to the American people, even though it involves putting his own family at risk. As conservative political experts understand, providing a nation’s people with affordable and universal health coverage inevitably leads to the extermination of millions within an arbitrarily chosen ethnic or religious group. But Cruz wants his constituents to know that he is not all talk. He opposes government handouts. So on Tuesday, he boldly renounced all of the Hitler-esque, taxpayer funded benefits he receives as a member of the U.S. Congress.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A controversial bill about religious freedom, signed by Indiana Governor Mike Pence, provoked national outcry from civil liberties advocates and drew harsh criticism against the Midwestern state. The law is reminiscent of Arizona’s discriminatory Senate Bill 1062, and also allows business owners with strongly held religious beliefs to refuse service to gays and lesbians. Pence defended his Religious Freedom Restoration Act (SEA 101) as a means to protect the religious freedoms of Christian-based enterprises. As most people know, the wealthy and powerful evangelical Christian community that runs the country has fallen under attack in recent years by a growing number of hysterical socialists who want to curb that community’s right to exercise its practice of bigotry and intolerance -- a fundamental U.S. freedom. But Gov. Pence claims that the law’s detractors have grossly misunderstood its reach. “The bill doesn’t discriminate against gays, that’s a false assessment and a narrow view of its scope; it discriminates against all groups of people that Christians hate,” he snapped during a recent press conference.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Last Wednesday, conservative leaders suffered another setback in the war on women when House Representatives reluctantly canceled a vote on a controversial bill banning abortions after 20 weeks of pregnancy, instead replacing it with less extreme restrictions. The decision came one day before the anniversary of the landmark 1973 Supreme Court ruling in Roe v. Wade. But champions for the right-to-life remained undaunted. On Thursday, after a week of fevered brainstorming and amendments, influential House leaders proposed a new “female-friendly” bill. It marks a radical departure in strategy. If passed, male masturbation, in which millions of sperm are left to die on towels or tissues after ejaculation, will be outlawed -- and prosecuted as a capital offense.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Following Tuesday’s decision by U.S. District Judge Candy Dale to overturn Idaho’s ban on same-sex marriages, the number of states legally recognizing the rights of LGBT people to wed jumps to 19, a figure that incorporates the District of Columbia. Conservative members of Congress and their constituents have expressed outrage at the federal government’s nonchalant dismissal of traditional values. They also worry about the rising number of homosexuals cropping up in society. “Why are their numbers growing so rapidly and steadily, where are they coming from and what is responsible for creating them?” asked Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Texas), who likened the gay plague sweeping across America to the Nazi conquest of Europe. Some believe homosexuals are aliens from another galaxy who arrived on Earth during the same cataclysmic event described in the cosmogony of Scientology. But a burgeoning faction of Congressional Republicans now suspect that someone, or something, may have detonated the U.S. Air Force’s infamous “gay bomb” within the last three years.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Monday, officials in North Carolina announced the death of Keith Crisco, 71, who was Clay Aiken’s Democratic rival for the state’s congressional primary. Crisco narrowly trailed Aiken, but his death, called a “freak accident” by authorities, brought an end to a hotly contested race. Aiken, of “American Idol” notoriety, is not only politically inexperienced -- this election marks his first bid for public office -- he’s also an openly gay celebrity seeking to represent a district dominated by socially conservative, evangelical Christians, some of whom now suspect foul play in Crisco’s demise. “There’s a lot we don’t know about the gays and their gay powers,” one resident said. “You gotta wonder how a guy trips and kills himself walking through his door. Stuff like that never happened before the gays came.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Over the last week, the mainstream media has maliciously attempted to discredit presidential hopeful Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.) with claims that he plagiarized a number of speeches and entire sections of his books. Although Paul has responded with only terse denials and the suggestion that slander should be grounds for justifiable homicide under the rules of the duello, The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript has obtained an unreleased draft of a speech he is expected to give later this week. We are told this is not an apology, only a formal statement and defense on the matter.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As the government shutdown lumbers into its 16th day, pushing the United States precariously close to defaulting on its bonds, House Republicans abruptly scrapped plans Tuesday evening to vote on a revised budget and raise the debt ceiling before Thursday's deadline. The Senate had already been close to finalizing a proposal that would have prevented the default while keeping the government functioning until 2014. The House, however, announced that it was drafting its own resolution. Speaker John Boehner's failure to submit the conservative-friendly alternative is seen as a severe blow to his standing and authority. But shortly after House leaders officially called off their efforts, Boehner surprised reporters by admitting that ranking conservatives had no desire to reopen the government. Ever. "After considering everything in detail, we believe that leaving cumbersome elements of the federal government closed indefinitely will actually save our economy by doing away with unnecessary, financially prohibitive regulations."