SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- It comes as no surprise that conservative politicians continue to denounce the landmark Roe v. Wade decision. It comes as no surprise that these same congresspeople fight tirelessly to find ways of overturning the ruling. So Rep. Michael Burgess' (R-Texas) declaration that the Supreme Court should dissolve the 23- to 24-week abortion window it legalized in 1973 also seems par for the course. What stunned the nation this week was Burgess' reasoning -- that fetuses masturbate as early as 15 weeks into pregnancy and therefore feel pleasure. This also means they feel pain, he contends, which is the basis for his argument to ban abortions much earlier than the prevailing laws allow. Clearly, Burgess is seeking to rally support from religious conservatives who have made ending abortion their foremost political and moral cause. But like abortion, masturbation is also a sin.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The History Channel's third installment of its epic miniseries "The Bible" was intended to showcase Babylon's ignoble ruler Nebuchadnezzar, Daniel's fortitude within the lion's den, and the advent of Christ and his resolve against the forces of darkness as he was tempted during his 40-day, meditative sojourn in the desert. Instead, the episode courted controversy among viewers who claimed the actor portraying Satan bore an uncanny resemblance to President Barack Obama. In a statement issued by the show's producers, reality television mogul Mark Burnett, who developed the series with his wife, called the comparison unintentional and "utter nonsense." Burnett described Mohamen Mehdi Ouazanni, the actor cast as Satan in human form, as a "highly acclaimed Moroccan actor. He has previously played parts in several Biblical epics -- including Satanic characters long before Barack Obama was elected as our president." Joel Osteen, a neo-conservative megachurch leader who consulted on the project, surprisingly agreed with Burnett, saying the casting decision was not meant as a veiled political attack but a realistic characterization of the devil as "probably Islamic and black."

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Bitterly disappointed that God did not destroy the world at the close of 2012 because of the permissive gay equality laws passed by several U.S. states, Catholic leaders renewed their attacks on homosexuals and those who support them by distributing letters urging parishioners to oppose same-sex marriages, saying these spurious unions "create a legal fiction...the state has no power to create something that nature itself tells us is impossible." Opponents referenced research from 1999 onward that documents homosexual behavior in nearly 1,500 animal species, which includes sex, courtship, pair bonding and parenting. The Church responded by defining "nature" as only those elements of creation endowed with a soul, referring to everything else as "resources and backdrop scenery." Catholic leaders consequently proposed a ban on all academic and scientific studies that attempt to elevate these resources to anything beyond tools, amenities or curious amusements for the planet's heterosexual human masters. On Wednesday, Vatican officials also announced publication of a definitive handbook on marriage as outlined in the Bible.

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With Judgment Day nearly upon us, Google has created a very special Doodle -- the last of its kind -- to commemorate its successes and loyal user community. A company spokesperson said, "It's hard to believe we must part so soon, but search for us in Heaven. We're not sure about access to technology in the sweet hereafter, but we're confident that voice and image searches can still be conducted. We thank you all. By having access to your data, we feel that we've really gotten to know you intimately...perhaps better than your own families. You will be missed. Rest assured, we never sold any of your search information to marketing companies. Good luck in Hell, Facebook."

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.

LONDON, U.K. -- Alternative music pioneers Morrissey and Johnny Marr, co-founders of The Smiths, have often told reporters that a reunion would happen only if the world was about to end. With that eventuality slated for May 21, the musicians have announced the long-awaited reunion of the band. Progressive rock legends Pink Floyd have also agreed to a live Judgment Day concert under a similar rationale.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- With just four days remaining in the planet’s unraveling circle of life, the grim and inexplicably bizarre omens of Doomsday continue to sweep the globe. The May 21 Judgment Day prophesy of Harold Camping, initially met with vast skepticism, now appears to have gained enough traction to make even the most agnostic among us rethink the inevitability of existence beyond this weekend, due in large part to the media’s tireless reporting of disasters around the world.

“One man in New York spent his entire life savings of $140,000 to help get our message out,” said one of Camping’s representatives from Christian broadcaster Family Stations. “This is precisely what all of us should be doing now. And donating that money to Family Stations may just help grease the palms of our Lord Jesus Christ. The fate of your soul is in His hands, after all. A little proof of your willingness to sacrifice, in honor of His sacrifice, couldn’t hurt.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- The plagues of the End Times have shown no signs of relenting since Wednesday. This morning, a new series of Judgment Day horrors swept the world, affecting the United States, China, Spain, and Pakistan. Family Stations’ doom prophet, Harold Camping, called the developments “awesome news!”

He also went on to say, “Judgment Day is feared by the world and is the day that God will destroy the world because of the sins of mankind. There’s no greater expression of the Lord’s undying love than tearing apart billions of men, women, and children through a series of excruciating terrors, drawn out over a five-month period of ongoing torture. As warrior angels descend from the heavens to feast on the entrails of your babies, take comfort in knowing that after their bones have been picked clean, and their screams of anguish have turned to gurgles of blood and despair, a better life awaits them.”

To help mitigate some of the impact, Bennington Vale retailers have today begun selling Rapture Kits across San Narciso County.

SAN ANTONIO, Texas -- Severe storms across several states in the southern region of the United States caused havoc on Thursday, leaving a wake of property damage and power outages behind. With these storms coming just a day after the destructive earthquake in Spain, Harold Camping, Family Stations’ president, was elated to report that God’s wrath is progressing according to plan, and that the end of the world should certainly begin on May 21, as prophesied.