SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The success of Uber, the app-based personal transportation service, has renewed the demand for independent contractors. It’s also ushered in an emerging freelance marketplace called the “gig economy.” While the model may be great for business, labor advocates say it’s horrendous for workers and the wider economy. Pushing employees to sell their services independently weakens their security, cripples their long-term financial stability and depletes their purchasing power. Employees are, after all, consumers. But with the announcement Wednesday of an app-based call service for prostitutes -- the result of a partnership between Google Maps and Unter, a heavily funded startup by a conglomerate of savvy pimps -- labor regulators worry that the rise of this new “trick economy” will wreak further damage on millions of housewives and moonlighters who are seeking part-time opportunities to strengthen their household incomes.

“Voters want a more idyllic world, like the one in the 1950s. And we’re committed to dragging this country back 60 years so they can have it.” ~ F. Chester Greene, San Narciso Tea Party Chairman

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- After Tuesday’s electoral sweep, the Republican Party took its place as America’s dominant political faction, controlling both chambers of Congress. The primary challenge confronting conservatives now is how to rectify the issues that led to rampant disillusionment among the nation’s voters. Remember, this is the first time since 2006 that the GOP has taken control of Congress, when they lost their majorities in the House and Senate during midterm elections that were marred by widespread discontentment over the failed policies of the Bush administration. Now, they have recaptured their claim on government through a similar sense of disaffection. Fixing the economy, Republicans believe, will lead to the restoration of the values and prosperity that fueled that nation’s past success. So their first order of business is to revive once thriving industries and they jobs they created, beginning with asbestos, lead and large-scale apparel manufacturing.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The U.S. Chamber of Commerce, the nation's foremost conservative business lobby, announced on Thursday its annual ranking of the eight worst companies in America -- those organizations that consistently fail to embrace the true spirit of bottom-line capitalism. Why eight? Chamber leaders explained that rating ten employers is more expensive, wasteful, and inefficient. To make the prestigious list, a company must demonstrate its failure to seize opportunities for maximizing profit potential by refusing to cut corners, reduce overhead, eliminate employer-sponsored benefits and perks, replace full-time workers with temps or automation, and outsource jobs to foreign nations with cheap labor pools and abysmal records of human rights. "These are big name companies with big chips on their shoulders," said Len Waybill, head economist for the conservative Peter Pinguid Society. "The role of business is to keep growing, to keep making money, by any legal means necessary. Frankly, every company on the list is an embarrassment -- a monument to shame and anti-American values. I always find it strange that these same businesses end up on Fortune's 'Best Companies to Work For' list."

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The peaceful Southern California hamlet of Bennington Vale was again rocked by multiple deaths and countless injuries during Black Friday sales events. Last year, five members of a small and sometimes militant African American rights group in San Narciso County were trampled to death outside the Gottsgeld department store in Santa Calcetines' Buffum Plaza Mall. According to Lionel Tyrone Lincoln Green -- head of San Narciso's Angry Black Revolutionaries Against Caucasian Aristocracy, Despotism and Black Repression Association (ABRA CADABRA) -- Thanksgiving and Black Friday represent some of the worst examples of white oppression and entitlement in America next to the existence of San Narciso County itself. "The slaughter we saw last night in front of Walmart proves it," Green declared. But in a strange twist, police attributed the 23 trampling related deaths that occurred just after 7:00 p.m. Thursday evening to the store employees themselves.

Abu Yahya-al-Libi

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- It's been a difficult road for one of the world's most infamous terror organizations. In many ways, al Qaeda is suffering from what business analysts see as growing too big, too fast. "Beginning as a small, privately held start up -- in some ways, a family owned venture -- the enterprise capitalized on immediate successes rather than planning for the future," said Walker Hollywell, professor of Theological Economics at San Narciso College. "Their operating model is decentralized, their revenues are difficult to report, and they've done nothing to build a foundation that favors a stable employment base with advancement opportunities. To me, that's a recipe for disaster." Truly, al Qaeda has no discernible HR policies whatsoever. Benefits seem to be delivered as one-time, upfront payments. Working conditions are described as hostile and without perks. There are no open-door protocols for issue resolution, and leadership remains distant and unapproachable. Worse yet, employee turnover has reached levels seldom seen in other organizations. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one al Qaeda cell manager said he is facing attrition rates of 90 to 99 percent. "Recruiting efforts are costing too much money. We don't have internal resources or capabilities we used to. We need help; this isn't sustainable," the source explained.

"I know better than Barack Obama what a third-world education looks like; I've outsourced thousands of jobs to third-world countries." -- Mitt Romney

BOSTON, Mass. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Bain Capital, a private equity and assets management firm co-founded by Mitt Romney, outsourced a staggering number of American jobs to economically depressed countries under Romney's watch. "If you just look at some of the Bain startups, like Sports Authority, Staples, Bright Horizons, the job number you come up with is in excess of 100,000," the Romney campaign boasted during the January 2012 debates. And most of those jobs went to cheap labor in foreign markets. But that's also the tremendous benefit of Romney's overseas experience -- he has proven more instrumental than President Obama in creating hundreds of thousands of jobs, embracing globalization, and keeping overhead low for business owners. Now, that same experience in third-world countries is giving Mitt Romney an edge over Obama in, of all things, education reform.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The conservative noise machine lost some of its steam and clamor Thursday with the deaths of right-wing journalist Andrew Breitbart and a congressional jobs bill predicated on a study of Indian poverty. Breitbart, 43, was pronounced dead at 12:19 a.m. at UCLA Medical Center. The jobs plan died hours later. Breitbart collapsed walking near his home around midnight, according to his father-in-law, actor Orson Bean. Paramedics were unable to revive him. Ultra-conservative Tea Party members, among Breitbart's biggest supporters, praised God for deciding the writer's fate instead of leaving him to the amoral pseudo-science of medical doctors. However, other officials deep within Party ranks expressed concerns that Breitbart's passing may have been the Lord's condemnation for his support of conservative gay rights groups (GOProud) and his role in founding The Huffington Post, a socialist propaganda publication. The cause of Breitbart's death is being classified as natural causes pending the results of an autopsy. Based on the findings, socially conservative lawmakers have said they are prepared to expand the definition of "natural causes" to include factors such as drugs, auto-erotic asphyxiation and bum fighting -- a standard courtesy for all Party advocates that was enacted in December 2010, following Rush Limbaugh's heart attack scare.

By Clayton Chiclitz, Yoyodyne CEO

Dear Republican Congresspeople,

It is with indescribable joy and relief that I write to thank you for preserving the America I have worked so hard to advance, by striking down the president’s wholly misguided, deplorable and dangerous payroll tax relief program. Not only were these meatier paychecks creating a detrimental sense of entitlement among our workers, the options presented to Congress amounted to nothing short of liberal strong-arm tactics. Extortion! The way I see it, you had two choices: one, let these ridiculous cuts expire and restore (not raise, mind you) the $1,000 in revenues you lost this year per each American family; or two, extend and even expand the cuts for over 160 million people to the mournful tune of $1,500 per household. You chose option A. You made the right business decision.