SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In struggling to uphold his campaign pledges, many of which have stalled or faded away in a billow of brazen rhetoric, President Donald Trump announced Thursday that he will withdraw the United States from the Paris accord, a landmark 2015 global agreement to combat the devastating effects of climate change. Trump has generally viewed green energy initiatives as unfounded scams that contribute nothing to the economy, although employment figures, growth projections and financial data paint a different portrait. Instead, Trump seeks to bolster American production and create jobs by reviving the whaling industry and, in an odd remark from the White House Rose Garden, “putting scientists to work engineering a tremendous Jurassic Park full of dinosaurs we can breed and harvest into petroleum -- like an amazing fossil fuel farm.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Final construction of the Keystone XL pipeline resumed in January following President Trump’s success in clearing away political obstacles such as Native Americans. The project promises to create 35 permanent positions. The president’s latest executive order seeks to capitalize on those impressive employment figures by rolling back climate change policies that have hobbled the fossil fuel and coal mining industries. Analysts say this effort could create tens of jobs, which Trump hailed as “explosive double-digital growth.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In September 2014, former President Barack Obama again abused his executive privileges by unilaterally issuing a series of measures to shelter parts of the ocean from businesses, pushing the United States closer to economic ruin and communism. The misguided marine sanctuaries protect wide regions of the central Pacific from fishing, oil exploration and waste disposal enterprises -- powerful market sectors that must be revived to repair Obama’s depressed economy and restore employment to “billions of out-of-work Americans,” according to President Trump. His recently released budget plan aims to overcome these setbacks. Trump’s morally motivated cuts to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, and other environmental agencies, will seek to end the insidious “ecological fascism” that is eroding America’s greatness through the destruction of corporate fishing, oil spilling and trash dumping industries.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump campaigned on many controversial commitments, which he seems intent on fulfilling through a sweeping series of executive orders. During his first week in office, Trump has penned actions to loosen Affordable Care Act provisions, create a Muslim registry, authorize construction of a wall along the Mexico border, declare martial law on Chicago and eliminate “sanctuary cities,” the latter of which elicited a bizarre response from the president: “I’ve seen ‘Logan’s Run’ on TV a million times; I love the idea of Carousel, maybe adding Muslims to the list, but sanctuary is a terrible lie. Why force taxpayers to fund a myth? You know, that D.C. hasn’t crumbled into ruins?” While some orders seem dubious to enforce, Trump’s gutting of environmental protections could come to fruition. Unlike the repeal of Obamacare, the president did offer a replacement -- a “climate-friendly energy plan” that he said would create jobs, restore a dying industry and provide low income families with affordable fuel: clean burning whale oil.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Tuesday morning, President-elect Donald Trump once again seized the helm of social media to issue a stern warning, with severe repercussions, for American citizens attempting to exercise their right to free speech by burning a flag. “Nobody should be allowed to burn the American flag - if they do, there must be consequences - perhaps loss of citizenship or year in jail!” Trump tweeted. He forgot, however, that the United States Flag Code specifically calls for the fiery destruction of unserviceable flags. In fact, American Legion members immolated 2,000 retired flags in a ceremony this June. Trump has demanded that this “coven of cultists, fifth columnists and commie witches be rounded up and jailed.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As summer approaches, California is preparing to enter its fourth year of a record-breaking and potentially devastating drought. Concerns voiced by state lawmakers and emergency management officials about the crisis led Gov. Jerry Brown to declare a state of emergency. But this week, despite lackluster conservation efforts and voluntary rationing, some of Southern California’s largest cities managed to exceed the state’s cutback goals. “California still leads the nation in unemployment,” one assemblyperson noted. “Our long-term jobless have been forced to eliminate a lot of luxuries and extraneous bills from their lives to stave off poverty. The silver lining is that their inability to keep the water on is working wonders for our attempts to lower consumption and usage levels.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- According to global economists, there could be less than 46 years of oil supplies left, even if demand were to remain flat. Barring existing constraints on supplies, the world would likely see a 110-percent jump in demand by 2050, equivalent to 190 million barrels a day. But without discovering major new reserves or alternative energy sources, experts anticipate the growing demands to remain unmet. Even diversifying to natural gas would fail to ease the pressure on oil because its supply is as geographically dense. So in celebration of Earth Day, industry leaders announced plans to step up aggressive drilling programs and seek viable sources of renewable energy. The new strategy calls for boring a giant hole right down to the Earth’s core to find dinosaurs and revitalizing the whaling industry.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Did you know that country music star Tim McGraw hates America? Apparently, he does. And it’s no longer a secret he’s stuffed in a closet presumably packed with gay skeletons, burqas and aborted fetuses -- he’s openly admitted it to the dismay of patriotic music lovers. “It’s innate in me to be a blue-dog Democrat. I’m not saying I’m right or wrong, but that’s what I am,” he told entertainment reporters. “My wife and I and our family will do everything we can to support Obama. I like his ideas, I like his energy, and I like the statement he would make for our country to the world.” McGraw also likes to present the image of flag-waving country boy, but that flag no longer flies the glorious colors of the Confederacy. Even worse, this socialist peace-hawk is now considering a career in politics, a move that could pound the final nail into the lid of this nation’s liberty coffin.