SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Residents living near the gated Winthrop Manors community adjacent to Bennington Vale no need introduction to Alistair Waldetor. To hear them tell it, the man pioneered the image of the shotgun-wielding curmudgeon who admonishes children, "Get off my lawn!" He abandoned that practice in 1998 when the county passed legislation that restricted the open brandishing of weapons to small firearms only -- a law that remains unpopular and regularly contested. Waldetor now relies on a team of trained military attack dogs, electrified fencing and a "look the other way on registered sex offenders" attitude to keep errant children from his pristine yard.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Last Wednesday, February 29, conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh set off a media firestorm by attacking a Georgetown Law student, Sandra Fluke, for her advocacy of making contraception available to all women. Limbaugh chided Fluke for arguing before Congress that the expenses for her birth control should be covered by her employer's health care plan. He then called her a "slut" and accused her of "having so much sex she can't afford her own birth control pills." On Thursday, March 1, following of day of censure and demands for apologies, Limbaugh took his position with Fluke a step further and said: "If we are going to pay for your contraceptives, thus pay for you to have sex, we want something for it, and I'll tell you what it is: We want you to post the videos online so we can all watch." Limbaugh faced harsh criticism from Democrats and Republicans alike. The rare exception was Mitt Romney, who said, "It’s not the language I would have used." He allegedly sent Limbaugh a more family friendly list of slurs for loose women on Monday evening.

LIHUE, Hawaii (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Transportation Safety Administration (TSA) officials came under fire again Friday after refusing to let a businesswoman board a plane Wednesday with her breast pump. The victim was commuting from Lihue to Maui with her nine-month-old daughter, whom TSA officials also flagged for additional screening. Since July 2011, TSA screeners have been encouraged to grope young boys and girls freely as part of enhanced "pat down" policies. Administrator John Pistole defended the practice, citing the integrity of the agency's employees and its selection process: "We train and oversee these individuals thoroughly. If you think the airport security line is painful, you should see the screening process our candidates must undergo during their interviews. Leaving your child alone in a closed room with an officer while he conducts a rigorous cavity search should raise no more alarm than your child visiting a priest's chambers." Interestingly, the number of former priests and retired congresspeople hiring on at the TSA has steadily increased over the last three years. Most recently, disgraced Penn State Assistant Coach Jerry Sandusky applied for a seasonal position as an agent at Orlando International Airport, near Florida's Walt Disney World Resort.

OP-ED (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Today, March 2, commemorates the 108th birthday of literary genius Theodore Geisel, known to generations of young readers as Dr. Seuss. So where's the Google Doodle honoring the legacy of this great American? I opened my browser today and saw only the standard Google home page. I suppose because Seuss was considered a raving liberal, Corporate America and its overlords decided to give the good doctor a pass today. As perhaps the only Democrat in San Narciso County, I certainly know how that feels. I can't even get a bus ticket in this town without an interrogation about my destination, my reasons for traveling, or who I'm meeting once I get there. But no, I'm not going to equate these uncomfortable inspections to a trip through East Berlin's Checkpoint Charlie. The treatment I receive in San Narciso's much worse, because the scrutiny is being instituted by businesses. Think of writing a check at Radio Shack, and you'll understand the life of a progressive in this eugenic Stepford community.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The conservative noise machine lost some of its steam and clamor Thursday with the deaths of right-wing journalist Andrew Breitbart and a congressional jobs bill predicated on a study of Indian poverty. Breitbart, 43, was pronounced dead at 12:19 a.m. at UCLA Medical Center. The jobs plan died hours later. Breitbart collapsed walking near his home around midnight, according to his father-in-law, actor Orson Bean. Paramedics were unable to revive him. Ultra-conservative Tea Party members, among Breitbart's biggest supporters, praised God for deciding the writer's fate instead of leaving him to the amoral pseudo-science of medical doctors. However, other officials deep within Party ranks expressed concerns that Breitbart's passing may have been the Lord's condemnation for his support of conservative gay rights groups (GOProud) and his role in founding The Huffington Post, a socialist propaganda publication. The cause of Breitbart's death is being classified as natural causes pending the results of an autopsy. Based on the findings, socially conservative lawmakers have said they are prepared to expand the definition of "natural causes" to include factors such as drugs, auto-erotic asphyxiation and bum fighting -- a standard courtesy for all Party advocates that was enacted in December 2010, following Rush Limbaugh's heart attack scare.