Thursday, February 14, 2013

Inspired Valentine's Day Events for Lonely Singles

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- If you live in Bennington Vale and fall into that odd one percent of the city's unwed yet heterosexual residents, then February 14 can present an understandably bleak outlook. St. Valentine would probably agree. According to legend, Valentine refused to deny Christ at the exhortations of Emperor Claudius in the year 280. For this, he had his head lopped off. But not before he restored hearing and sight to the jailer's daughter. Hell of a guy. Has that "Green Mile" feel to it. It's an inspiring story; deeds most worthy of canonization. But that's not why so many people will be reading "The Bell Jar" by candlelight alone this evening. No, Esther Howland is why. You see, back in 1847, this woman took what most considered to be another minor day of veneration and began mass producing embossed paper-lace hearts, the kind she'd seen in Europe, using the resources of her father's book and stationery store in Worcester, Mass. Esther Howland is why so many people, unlike the saint's executioners, will not be getting Valentine's head tonight. Fortunately, we at The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript have reached out across the community to find some lovely things to fill in that hole where your heart should have been. It's better than sticking your head in an oven, we promise.

Dining and Drinking
Piers Addleson's Pea House is offering an off-menu special for single men. In order to get the multi-course meal, for the astoundingly low price of seven dollars, simply approach the hostess and say, "I'm so lonely, I could die."

The meal, an homage to the happy-go-lucky bachelor lifestyle, features Top Ramen (your choice of chicken, shrimp, or beef flavored broth), a gourmet bologna sandwich on artisan white bread with homemade miso mayonnaise and Dijon mustard, Fritos on the side, and for dessert, an assortment of Brach’s candies. The meal also includes two choices of drinks: a PBR and Seagrams boilermaker or Red Beer (V8 and Bud Light).

For the ladies, we recommend the bar at TGI Friday's. Because the restaurant will be packed with happy couples, seating at the bar will be unusually open. Discounts for a variety of complicated fruit-based rum drinks will be extended.

For ladies looking to get their groove back, San Narciso's only openly gay club, The Crank Shaft, is hosting Ladies' Night. You might not meet the man of your dreams, but you'll be surrounded by handsome trendsetters who don't want you for your body.

Film
Naturally, the movie companies try to get in on the action too. A lot of print and radio media personalities will try to recommend romantic films to watch with your snugglebunny. There are no surprises. "Jerry Maguire." Is that how you spell it? I've never watched it. Don't care. "Love Story." "The Notebook." "Dirty Dancing." Let's put all these babies in the corner, shall we?

RJ Fletcher Communications, the county's leading cable provider, is hosting a special film festival for singles on channels 0001, 0000, 8999, and 9999. Check your local listings for details.

6:00 p.m. -- The Way We Were
6:30 p.m -- Brokeback Mountain
7:00 p.m. -- The Elephant Man
7:30 p.m. -- Lost In Translation
8:00 p.m. -- Cast Away
8:30 p.m. -- Closer
9:00 p.m. -- Leaving Las Vegas
9:30 p.m. -- 500 Days of Summer
10:00 p.m. -- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
10:30 p.m. -- Casablanca
11:00 p.m. -- Up in the Air
11:30 p.m. -- I’m Not There
12:00 a.m. -- The Break Up
12:30 a.m. -- Better Off Dead

Music
Wendell "Mucho" Maas will once again take the helm at KCUF radio for a special single's playlist. Featured selections include:

  • One (Is the Loneliest Number) -- Three Dog Night
  • Breaking Us in Two -- Joe Jackson
  • One Lonely Night -- REO Speedwagon
  • All By Myself -- Eric Carmen
  • Are You Lonesome Tonight? -- Elvis Presley
  • Drive -- The Cars
  • For No One -- The Beatles
  • Total Eclipse of the Heart -- Bonnie Tyler
  • Eleanor Rigby -- The Beatles
  • I Drink Alone -- George Thorogood
  • Mr. Lonely -- Bobby Vinton
  • Crying -- Roy Orbison
  • Sounds of Silence -- Simon and Garfunkel
  • Everything Means Nothing to Me -- Elliot Smith
  • Theme from Mahogany (Do You Know?) -- Diana Ross
  • Nothing Compares to You -- Sinead O’Connor
  • Pictures of You -- The Cure
  • Goodbye My Lover -- James Blunt
  • The Drugs Don’t Work -- The Verve
  • Mad World -- Gary Jules
  • Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me -- The Smiths
  • Loser -- Beck
  • Who Wants to Live Forever? -- Queen
  • Jump -- Van Halen

Retail and Specials
Druggists and pharmacies throughout San Narciso County are offering a "buy one get one free" deal on KY lubricant with any purchase of the latest issue of Maxim magazine. Note: this deal is invalidated if purchased with birth control, spermicidal creams, condoms, or any sexual paraphernalia or stimulants intended for couples.

Events
Lake Inverarity Social Hall is hosting several events for singles, beginning at 9:00 p.m. Festivities include a solitaire tournament, advanced Dungeons and Dragons adventure/mixer, ice cream social and vodka bar, "How to Make an American Quilt and Get Sole Custody" sewing circle, "You Don't Look Fat in Those Pants" fashion show, and a special play performed by the Tank Players -- and sponsored by the San Narciso Suicide Prevention Center -- entitled "Jesus Loves You...But He Isn't Ready for You to Move In Yet."

(c) 2013. See disclaimers.
Reactions: