Military experts in the United States failed to blink or betray their cool over North Korea's most recent intimidation tactic.
"Until this angry midget figures out how to get one of his toy rockets at least as close as Hawaii, I'm not moving the pool table or the jukebox out of the old shelter," one Pentagon official quipped. "So far, all North Korea's proven is that it figured out how to use 1940s-era technology to obliterate earthworms and burrowing rodents."
But to millions of forgotten tunnel-dwellers -- ancient populations that include the Morlock, Molemen and CHUD -- North Korea has emerged as the most formidable threat to their existence since Union Carbide India. The company's Bhopal disaster in 1984 released toxic gas that exposed over 500,000 people to serious health risks and killed nearly 3,800 others -- 1,400 of whom were underground Molemen tribesmen.
"The world aboveground can laugh all it wants at this demented Monchhichi's pathetic overtures of global domination and conquest, but we've lost thousands in the last 24 hours," said Orgog Lorleck, chief of the Morlock people near the Korean Peninsula. "And with the radiation, we stand to lose thousands more."
Representatives from the Morlock and Molemen communities have appealed to the international community for aid. But they fear their cries for help will be met with tougher sanctions against North Korea.
"And that's just a call for genocide," Lorleck said. "Because this stupid little dictator will get frustrated and detonate yet another underground bomb 'test' to get attention. And one more nuclear explosion could signal the end of our people in this land forever."
Spokescreatures from the CHUD factions have remained silent, but are so universally reviled that they often keep to themselves. It is also rumored that their race came into being as a result of radioactive waste, and may be immune to poisoning should they survive the initial blast.
(c) 2013. See disclaimers.