SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Hundreds of students from San Narciso College were arrested Tuesday night after violent, politically charged protests erupted across the campus in response to the announcement of President Obama's reelection. Police say the incident started with an argument shortly after 9:00 p.m., which escalated in an exchange of racial epithets. Eventually, around midnight, a fire started as outraged students burned campaign posters depicting support for Barack Obama. "It was the fire alarm that alerted police to the mayhem," said SNPD spokesman Ren Williams. Some nearby residents criticized police for their three-hour response time. Williams attributed the delay to the students themselves. "This is one of the most staunchly Republican towns in the nation. Certainly the most conservative in California. Therefore, none of the students could locate a Barack Obama poster or yard sign within county limits. So they made their own. Some even constructed elaborate effigies. That process took them a few hours. And that's when the blaze finally began." But school officials painted a much different picture, describing the demonstration as a misguided attempt to celebrate Bonfire Night -- a British holiday also known as Guy Fawkes Day -- on the wrong date.

SPECIAL GUEST EDITORIAL (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- To those of you outside San Narciso County, Calif., who may not be familiar with my campaign, I'd first like to introduce myself. My name is F. Chester Greene. I'm a socially, fiscally, racially, philosophically, and religiously conservative Republican; and I'm running for the office of President of the United States of what used to be America. Sure, you haven't seen me mincing and preening across your TVs during those ridiculous debates, and that's because I respect you enough to not waste your valuable time dickering about policies I'll only flip-flop on as soon as I'm nominated. Campaigns are terribly painful ordeals -- mostly for the voters forced to endure them. And if you were to vote for me based on whatever tactics I employed to attack my opponents, I'd only let you down once in office.

My quote-unquote peers, on the other hand, clearly have nothing better to do with their time, your vote, or all that PAC money they've raised. They don't care about you. In fact, one could argue that they really hate your guts. But I understand that dignity is precious; that your intelligence has done nothing to warrant insult; and I've saved my money to beat the spineless, vacuous waste of outside air who hopes to earn his coveted seat in the Oval Office. See, I've bided my time to go against that moron, who will probably be an elitist with a history of questionable spiritual convictions, wishy-washy policies, and serial marriages. Or, it'll be the Mormon. I'm banking on the write-in vote, which gives you more power over your ballot by transforming it into a mandate -- not a glorified Scantron. Plus, as a write-in candidate, I've got a better chance of earning your vote since you've no doubt realized what festering idiots -- of heroically vile proportions -- these candidates really are. If you're mad as hell and don't want to take it anymore, then write my name on your ballot for president. If you're not sure why, here's a list of my positions -- of the things we all should stand for.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- This year, the San Narciso County Chamber of Commerce was forced to shutter the community’s second annual Haunted House Spooktacular, scheduled to open Wednesday at 6:00 p.m. in the Lake Inverarity Social Hall. Unfortunately, the event drew more police and paramedics than Halloween thrillseekers in its three short hours of operation. Signs posted around the county by event organizer Francis Baldhamer warned: "If you can't afford to have the pants scared off you, don't wear any!" While only a few inappropriate teens took the message at its word, the problems arose when parents failed to exercise caution by bringing along children under the age of 12. "I don't know how things went so wrong," a flustered Baldhamer told reporters. "Because of some creepy thematic elements and frightening scenes, we were worried that younger kids could become very upset by a few of the images. But we had no idea how upset the kids -- and their parents -- would actually get. This is truly a tragedy." The theme for this year's event was "American Nightmares," a politically charged horrorshow that envisioned a chilling apocalypse of socialism unleashed by a mysterious Kenyan reelected to the office of president. Bennington Vale is one of the nation's most conservative cities, and Baldhamer expected some watery eyes and unsettled nerves. He didn't expect soiled clothes, seizures, heart attacks and three suicide attempts.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Millions of Americans along the eastern seaboard are facing long days ahead without power or public transit in the devastating wake of superstorm Sandy. Worse still, the death toll has now risen to 39. Sandy has interrupted all facets of life for over eight million residents, but its effects can be felt by a much broader swath of the country. With just a week left before people head to the polls, the election has also been hobbled by the megastorm. President Barack Obama suspended his campaign to take charge of disaster relief efforts, putting the welfare of the nation before political ambitions. His challenger, however, sees things differently. Romney attacked his opponent for several failures in leadership during the disaster. "President Obama abandoned the campaign -- the American people -- to hole up in his big house. Former FEMA chief Mike Brown criticized him for reacting too quickly to the storm, and the president failed to provide those in Sandy's path with meaningful advice for preparations," Romney told an audience in Ohio. "I didn't do any of those things. I stayed on the campaign trail instead of worrying about the weather, I didn't react to the storm, and my campaign issued a list of useful tips for dealing with Sandy. That's why I should be elected in November."

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Senate candidate Richard Mourdock (R-Ind.) struggled to defend his controversial comments about rape and abortion Wednesday, telling the press his statements had been "twisted." Women's rights advocates across the country agreed: nothing, possibly not even Todd Akin's proclamation of "legitimate rape," could have been more twisted than presuming God's divine scheme for creation includes an endorsement of rape. The Senate hopeful has since taken pains to clarify his comments, though his attempts to back out of the startling assertions have ruffled the feathers of evangelical Christians who support the idea of "divine rape." They accused the Hoosier of arrogantly reinterpreting God's will. "Of course God pre-ordains rape," opined Nehemiah Goodman, a theological scientist employed by San Narciso-based defense contractor Yoyodyne. "Some women fight destiny and nature. Sometimes the government interfers with the Lord. Consider President Obama's mandatory contraception laws. And when obstinate politicians and selfish women defy God, He must intervene. Sometimes, those efforts are more intrusive or penetrating than others. Who are we to question Him? Who is Richard Mourdock to presume or apologize on God's behalf?"

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Tuesday night's restrained but still contentious presidential debate was the last opportunity for voters to see President Obama and GOP challenger Mitt Romney together until after the election results in two weeks. The stated focus of the final debate was foreign policy, even though both candidates took opportunities to circle back to discussions of the economy. But for all the gaffes, zingers and borderline brawls seen during the three encounters, one mystery remains unanswered: what were the candidates pensively, sometimes furiously, scribbling on their notepads? The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript rescued the discarded messages while digging through the dumpsters behind Lynn University, where our reporters were ordered by campus security to stay until the end of the event. The published transcripts follow.

Additional Reporting by Michael Livingston

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Former President George W. Bush, to knowing observers, was gifted with an uncanny knack for discreetly slathering his speeches with coded religious phrases, which provided targeted messaging to the evangelical base he rallied. Bush became a born-again Christian in 1988 while serving as liaison to the religious right for his father's administration. It was there he learned the art of broadcasting subliminal cues to evangelicals. Some of his favorite expressions included "hills to climb," "the valley below," "a time for rebuilding" and his go-to from Isaiah: "They will have no mercy on helpless babies and will show no compassion for the children." In large part, Bush's tactic managed to fly under most folks' radar while energizing born-agains who shared his belief that God wanted war waged on brown people worldwide. But when Mitt Romney unwittingly employed a similar strategy during Tuesday's second presidential debate, polygamous Mormon elders flew into fits of panic as their candidate revealed the church's still-present cache of "binders full of women" and other secrets more damning than magic underwear and the Planet Kolob.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Janis Lane, leader of the Central Mississippi Tea Party, has helped a brave faction of conservative women emerge from the shadows to voice their support for the party's misogynistic doctrine. Lane came forward this week with a courageous admission of self-hatred that reinforces the Biblical principles on which the Tea Party's platform is founded. "There is nothing worse than a bunch of mean, hateful women," she said. "They are diabolical in how they can skewer a person. I do not see that in men." Lane is encouraging like-minded followers to convince others that women shouldn't be allowed to vote in this, or any, election. And to the relief of conservative men who have patiently but tirelessly struggled to restore the grace of God on America's morally bankrupt political system, Tea Party females across the country are carrying Lane's vital message of self-loathing to the public, possibly explaining Mitt Romney's four-point surge in swing states from a push in the polls by female voters -- even though they will not actually be casting ballots now.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As GOP presidential challenger Mitt Romney prepares to confront incumbent Barack Obama in the second round of debates Tuesday, social conservatives are pressing the former Massachusetts governor to honor his pledge to pass legislation outlawing abortion. Last Wednesday, Romney downplayed his campaign commitment to do "everything in my power to cultivate, promote and support a culture of life in America," which further rankled Republicans who are concerned about the candidate's past pro-choice stance and constant flip-flopping on the issue. Even more distressing for unconvinced conservatives was the revelation that Romney had invested millions in a medical-waste company called Stericycle, which was tasked with the disposal of aborted fetuses from family planning clinics. Romney, however, surprised voters by unflinchingly defending his record on abortion as consistent with his plan to save the economy -- and end abortion.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Republican presidential challenger Mitt Romney pledged to restore American jobs and economic prosperity by getting tough on China. In a statement Thursday -- setting the tone for his running mate's debate with Vice President Joe Biden -- Romney vowed to designate China a "currency manipulator" the first day after his inauguration, something no administration has done in nearly two decades. During his tenure at Bain Capital, Romney outsourced a staggering number of U.S. jobs to economically depressed countries, with China taking the lion's share of the work. In 1992, Bain closed down the Holson Burnes plant in South Carolina and offshored more than 75 percent of its manufacturing. Ten years later, Romney helped implement an internal IT system for state offices in Massachusetts by ditching pricey New England contractors for resources in China. But Romney now believes China has gotten greedy, enabled by the current administration's leniency. "What we have seen from the Obama administration has been acquiescence to China," Romney said of the president's "pivot" to Asia. To show voters his commitment to U.S. interests, Romney will fight to prevent companies from offshoring labor to China by encouraging them to consider outsourcing to India, Eastern Europe and Mexico instead.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Today, many U.S. citizens observe the arrival of Christopher Columbus to American shores, a voyage that concluded on October 12, 1492. The holiday has been celebrated unofficially since the late 18th century, and officially in various areas since the early 20th century. In San Narciso County, the annual Columbus Day reenactment ceremonies have bolstered the local economy with an influx of Southern Californians who gather at Kinneret's Battersea Field to enjoy a variety of beverages, delicacies and the Integration of the Indigenous Peoples commemoration. This year, however, Mayor Manny DiPresso has increased security after receiving word that a group of demonstrators plans to protest the ceremony. Write-in GOP presidential candidate F. Chester Greene, surprisingly, also urged the mayor's office to call off the event, which now seems likely to happen.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The first of three crucial debates between President Obama and Republican challenger Mitt Romney concluded Wednesday night, with Romney emerging as the clear winner in terms of style and confidence, while the president scored points with analysts for substance. At times, Romney appeared so giddy over his perceived victory that many suspected he would push Mr. Obama to the ground and begin shearing his hair. But the overlong tete-a-tete left most viewers underwhelmed. Romney seemed simultaneously uncomfortable and needlessly aggressive, which provided the only real drama in the event. Obama's demeanor was collected but his passive, unenthusiastic presentation of facts failed to win over supporters who held high expectations for his performance. Overall, the debate was widely considered the least exciting 90 minutes of television since Helen Keller's ill-advised appearance on "What's My Line?"

Photo courtesy AP (c) 2012

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President Barack Obama on Tuesday admonished the U.N. General Assembly to take a firm stance against violence and extremism, arguing that religious rights and free speech must be upheld as global responsibilities and not merely U.S. obligations. In an effort to stress the urgency of suppressing deadly protests that have erupted over perceived anti-Islamic sentiment, the president said "the impulse towards intolerance and violence" will not be contained if allowed to flourish over time. Mr. Obama underscored his message with examples of ongoing racial inequalities, abuses of women's rights, theocratic discrimination against religious diversity, despots who neglect or massacre their people to protect cronies and regime-friendly elites, and the inevitable cycles of sectarian violence likely to rise in the wake. Although the president's speech was delivered to world leaders, and was meant to address specific crises in the Arab world, tentative Republican voters confused Obama's descriptions of Syria, Egypt and Libya with Mitt Romney's campaign platform. The GOP challenger's polling numbers plummeted significantly as a result, according to reports Friday.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Mitt Romney continues to face challenges on his uphill battle toward the 2012 presidency. His staggering unlikability and open disdain for nearly half of America's citizens have made it difficult to entice the tax-dodging volunteers he desperately needs to run ground support for the campaign. Although he eventually clinched the GOP nomination, Romney's own party presented him with resistance and obstacles to overcome throughout the process. He's spent over five months ramping up his staff to match the colossal operation President Obama organized across the nation. Now, the GOP challenger seems to have caught up, but only by monetary standards. Romney spent $4.04 million on payroll, closely approaching Obama's $4.37 million, according to statements filed with the Federal Election Commission last week. But while Obama's cash bought him 901 workers, Romney managed only 403. The figures would seem to lend credence to Obama's claims of creating jobs, which in this case doubled the number of positions filled by Romney. Demonstrating the strategic business thinking for which he is famed, Romney one-upped the president Tuesday by announcing his intentions to outsource a number of his campaign's call center and mass mailing positions to lower-cost contractors in India and China.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- With the 2012 presidential election just weeks away, and with Mitt Romney's popularity waning among Republican voters, conservative write-in candidate F. Chester Greene has shifted his campaign into high gear. The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript recently acquired documents illustrating Greene's plans for economic stimulus should he win the presidency. The document starts with a missive from Greene stating, "The current president thinks legalizing marijuana can help to build the economy. We all know this because he keeps courting potheads like that Kumar fellow, who's also a terrorist. Well, I've got a better plan." Simply put, Greene's plan is for America to declare war on China.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As Paul Ryan made the campaign rounds Tuesday in Ohio, a battleground state where GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney continues to trail an empty chair in polls, he focused his attacks on the Democratic National Convention rather than the current administration's handling of the economy. Ryan's first target was former President Jimmy Carter, for whom President Obama has planned a tribute. Ryan reminded his base of Carter's abysmal record in office, which included the creation of wasteful and needless agencies such as the Department of Education, Carter's role in destroying Three Mile Island to protect his ties to greedy oil interests, Carter's well-documented atheism and anti-human rights stances, Carter's work with OPEC to bring about a crippling energy crisis, and Carter's involvement in causing the eruption of Mount St. Helens. But the majority of Ryan's speech chided the "ridiculous stunts" Obama aides have planned in response to Clint Eastwood's improvisational empty chair skit.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Rumors of a mystery speaker at the 2012 Republican National Convention sparked curiosity and speculation among attendees after being confirmed by one Romney aide. Tight-lipped members of the Romney camp hope the allure of the secret guest will entice more people to attend the event, which is suffering disappointing turnout figures because of Hurricane Isaac, women voters with self respect and Romney's astounding unlikability factor. When the RNC released the convention schedule Monday, it included the notation "To Be Announced" for a prime-time slot Thursday, which signals the finale of the conference. Russ Schreifer, the aide in charge of convention planning for the Romney campaign, admitted that an unnamed guest would be slated to address the crowd, but he refused to reveal any further details. However, insiders at Hollywood effects house Digital Domain -- the Oscar-winning CGI company responsible for the holographic resurrection of Tupac Shakur at this year's Coachella Music Festival -- leaked details of the big surprise, which they claim has been in the works for several months. "In a nutshell, we're using our technology to bring the Republican Party hero, Ronald Reagan, back from the dead to wow tentative voters," the source divulged.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Authorities in New Orleans escalated emergency procedures Monday as Tropical Storm Isaac barreled toward the Gulf Coast, on track to becoming a full-fledged hurricane. The menacing storm threatens to unleash serious flooding throughout the region on the seventh anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Meteorologists predict Isaac to make landfall on Tuesday or Wednesday. Not only have refineries closed and evacuation preparations begun, the storm has also impacted the Republican National Convention in Florida. Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, scheduled to sing the praises of Mitt Romney at the RNC gathering, had to cancel his trip. And just seconds after declaring the festivities under way, GOP chairman Reince Priebus closed the session, which threw conservative Christian Republicans into a state of panic from the resulting crisis of faith. "Our religious leaders, people like Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell and Rush Limbaugh, understood that catastrophes such as this are sent by God to punish sinners," a distraught Paul Ryan said. To appease the vengeful deity, GOP delegates are now contemplating desperate actions.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- With the Labor Day holiday fast approaching, along with the travel that generally accompanies it, American consumers seem certain to focus on the recent spike in gasoline prices, which had subsided after a national average peak of $3.49 per gallon in April but rose again Monday to $3.72 a gallon. For those living in California -- a state that consistently outpaces the nation in higher gas prices -- the news is worse. Chevron's Richmond refinery fire over a week ago signaled a 40-cent increase at the pumps for the Golden State's motorists. California now averages $4.10 per gallon. Concerns over the economic impact of the climbing rates have prompted President Obama to consider releasing oil reserves from U.S. stockpiles to alleviate the pinch on consumers, particularly important during an election year. However, a new Reuters/Ipsos poll published Tuesday indicates that soaring gas prices ranked last in the top 10 factors likely to influence voters this November.

Investigative research and additional reporting by Michael Livingston

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- According to seasoned and respected political analysts, not since Richard Nixon has there been a more secretive candidate than Mitt Romney. He won't release his tax returns, he won't use his given name, he won't reveal his blunders, he keeps the public in the dark about his decision making process, he prefers to deal with only top officials and not the people he serves, and he left the governor's office in Massachusetts with the hard drives from his computer. In the latter instance, though, he may have been well intentioned in protecting the public from his video collection of bum fights and Amish rake duels. Romney also changes positions more often than a highly compensated call girl in Manhattan, which makes pinning down his agenda even more challenging. But in his defense, the people rabidly supporting him -- those same individuals who demanded proof of Barack Obama's citizenship and Christianity -- have shown little interest in seeing whether the potential commander-in-chief actually pays his taxes. This year promises to be a tough slog for American voters: one candidate is believed to be the elitist son of a man born in an economically depressed foreign country, whose religion remains a source of confusion to nearly half the nation; the other is President Obama. To help, our researchers have compiled a list of facts about Mitt Romney.