SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In an unexpected development Monday, Pope Benedict XVI announced that he will be retiring at the end of the month, marking the first papal resignation is nearly 600 years. The pope's letter shocked world leaders, Vatican experts and even his closest aides. Although a rare occurrence, there are no prohibitions in Canon Law -- the Catholic Church's governing code -- preventing a pope from abdicating his throne. Canon Law requires only that the pope quit of his own accord and publish his intentions publicly to validate the move. But in a time of deep schisms within the Church -- over conservative, outdated beliefs and myriad scandals -- those responsible for maintaining the Petrine ministry say they will act quickly to find a worthy successor to "steer the ship of Saint Peter" away from the rocky shores toward which it has been heading for over a decade. Several priests have already resigned or been prosecuted for their roles in countless child sex abuse cases. Pope Benedict himself experienced great difficulty in diffusing the situations. For that reason, Vatican officials on Monday announced the equally surprising move of hiring former Penn State University administrators to oversee the selection process for Benedict's replacement.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As the Supreme Court continues a marathon session of landmark rulings that pave the way for unrestricted racial profiling, limitless campaign contributions by special interest groups and what may turn out to be the end of accessible health care for most Americans, one decision has escaped notice. On Monday, a divided court struck down mandatory life sentences without parole for juveniles convicted of capital crimes. Representing the majority opinion, Justice Elena Kagan wrote: "Mandatory life without parole for a juvenile precludes consideration of his chronological age and its hallmark features; among them, immaturity, impetuosity and failure to appreciate risks and consequences." The court's conservative judges voiced strong dissent. Justice Samuel Alito accused the majority of forcing society to "be exposed to the risk that these convicted murderers, if released from custody, will murder again."

PHILADELPHIA, Pa. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In a devastating turn of events for disgraced former Penn State coach Jerry Sandusky, who has maintained his innocence after being convicted on 45 counts of sex abuse against children, his adopted son Matt, 33, told police that he was molested repeatedly between the ages of 8 and 15 by his father. In his interview with police, Matt Sandusky recanted his former testimony to a grand jury in which he denied being violated. These secret meetings with investigators took place four days into the trial, although he ultimately did not testify. Still, the senior Sandusky insists that he remains innocent of all charges. His refusal to budge on this stance has caused his lawyers to resort to some odd and seemingly desperate tactics. In March, their primary strategy was to get the case thrown out of court entirely, despite a preponderance of graphic evidence. Their arguments were viewed by legal experts as illogical, detached from reality and "just plain stupid." But on Tuesday, leveraging the statements provided to police by Matt, Jerry Sandusky had them embark on an even more bizarre path.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Father Vantz Lagstrom, a priest from Pennsylvania who was visiting Father Preternature in Bennington Vale last week on a Catholic goodwill mission, was released from police custody Wednesday with no charges filed. The arrest followed Father Lagstrom's drunken disruption of the annual Father's Day Fest last Sunday, held near the Fangoso Lagoons recreational area at Lake Inverarity. Eyewitnesses could not explain what prompted Lagstrom's actions, saying only that they saw him dive into the lake, swim across to the Social Hall, and seize the microphone from Mayor Manny DiPresso during his address. Preternature surmised that Lagstrom may have indulged "too mightily in the blood of the host" and been "grievously distressed" by the strong anti-Catholic sentiments of the county's predominantly Protestant population. Regardless of the impetus, Lagstrom, 54, was undeniably inebriated and overwrought when he put himself in peril by swimming 50 feet across the lake in his heavy frock. "Trying to use a large gold crucifix and oversized bible as makeshift paddles also appeared counterproductive," SNPD spokesperson Ren Williams noted. "That he didn't drown is truly miraculous."

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- San Narciso County ushered in St. Patrick's Day 2012 with yet another controversy, prompting Mayor Manny DiPresso to add this holiday to a growing list of celebrations that council members may soon move to abolish. Last year, the festivities were overshadowed by an inflammatory speech given by a theology student, in which St. Patrick was accused of being a church assassin sent to destroy the polytheistic culture of Ireland. Tensions further escalated when the Catholic Church announced that gays would be prohibited from marching in the parade. At that time, Father Preternature -- who presides over the county's only Catholic congregation, defended his decision, saying, “First off, [homosexuals] already have their own parade. Second, St. Patrick’s Day is a religious holiday, not an ideological movement." The mayor's office was outraged at Preternature for implying that gays had infiltrated the community. On Saturday, Preternature again found himself cross with the law when parents summoned Child Protective Services to a children's play he produced called "St. Patrick Beats the Naughty Snakes from Ireland's Trousers."

PHILADELPHIA, Pa. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Jerry Sandusky, the disgraced former assistant football coach and resident pedophile at Penn State, will not be receiving more details from witnesses about the alleged sexual assaults, according to the judge's ruling Tuesday. Sandusky's defense attorney Joe Amendola said he will push to dismiss all counts against his client on the grounds of "lack of specificity." Sandusky is charged with sexually abusing 10 boys over a 15-year period. Amendola argued before the court that "if the commonwealth can't be more specific, the defendant can't adequately present their defense." But Judge John Cleland rebuffed Amendola's claim on two grounds: first, that additional details don't exist because the victims were children at the time of the incidents; and second, because the more graphic the testimonies became, the more aroused Sandusky appeared in court. One bailiff told reporters, "The defendant's demeanor was icky and creepy. I had to shower twice after court was dismissed, just to feel human again."

LIHUE, Hawaii (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Transportation Safety Administration (TSA) officials came under fire again Friday after refusing to let a businesswoman board a plane Wednesday with her breast pump. The victim was commuting from Lihue to Maui with her nine-month-old daughter, whom TSA officials also flagged for additional screening. Since July 2011, TSA screeners have been encouraged to grope young boys and girls freely as part of enhanced "pat down" policies. Administrator John Pistole defended the practice, citing the integrity of the agency's employees and its selection process: "We train and oversee these individuals thoroughly. If you think the airport security line is painful, you should see the screening process our candidates must undergo during their interviews. Leaving your child alone in a closed room with an officer while he conducts a rigorous cavity search should raise no more alarm than your child visiting a priest's chambers." Interestingly, the number of former priests and retired congresspeople hiring on at the TSA has steadily increased over the last three years. Most recently, disgraced Penn State Assistant Coach Jerry Sandusky applied for a seasonal position as an agent at Orlando International Airport, near Florida's Walt Disney World Resort.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Over the last few years, it seems the news has been filled with alarming reports of distraught, homicidal and suicidal parents planning their exits from this world as a sort of family vacation from hell by including their children in the itinerary. The most recent story involves the Powell family of Utah. Two years ago, Susan Powell went missing. Her husband, Josh, was considered a person of interest at that time, but no evidence could be found to link him to the disappearance. Even a drawing made by one of the children -- depicting Susan Powell's body in the trunk of the car during an impromptu camping trip in the middle of a snowy night -- failed to arouse suspicion. On Sunday, Josh Powell trapped his children in the home and set it ablaze. There were no survivors. The incident has provoked abused children across the nation to form a coalition with the simple message: "You can make your point -- you can even kill yourself if it seems easier than therapy-- but please, please, please don't take us with you."