SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Representatives of Family Stations issued a public apology Friday evening to the families of eight college students after admitting that an embarrassed and disgruntled Harold Camping attacked them with his cane in Golden Gate Park. Although the precise details of the assault remain sketchy, authorities claim that Camping had requested to be taken to the area to assess the Lord’s loving and merciful slaughter of sinners, as well as His progress in sucking the souls of the pious back to Heaven.

“What Mr. Camping found,” one officer on scene described, “was a group of over 20 college students face down on the lawn. He must have believed that his rapture had begun. When he realized that he’d happened upon an elaborate display of planking, he just went nuts. At this time, we are placing Mr. Camping on a 72-hour mental health hold. None of the students were seriously injured, and no one’s pressing any charges at this time.”

(c) 2011. See disclaimers.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Family Stations’ End Time prophet, Harold Camping, has been unusually silent since his May 21 rapture prediction failed to materialize in the terrifying manner he envisioned. At that time, he rationalized the anticlimactic event as a “spiritual rapture,” in which sinners were placed on God’s naughty list while those slated for salvation were duly noted on His nice list. “More than ‘thy rod and thy staff,’ it seems that the Lord operates more bureaucratically,” said a spokesperson for Family Stations. “I guess you could look at it more from the perspective of ‘thy clipboard and thy form in triplicate.’ God may not play dice, as they say, but it seems that He’s a stickler for lists, process optimization and organizational best practices.”

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With Judgment Day nearly upon us, Google has created a very special Doodle -- the last of its kind -- to commemorate its successes and loyal user community. A company spokesperson said, "It's hard to believe we must part so soon, but search for us in Heaven. We're not sure about access to technology in the sweet hereafter, but we're confident that voice and image searches can still be conducted. We thank you all. By having access to your data, we feel that we've really gotten to know you intimately...perhaps better than your own families. You will be missed. Rest assured, we never sold any of your search information to marketing companies. Good luck in Hell, Facebook."

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.

Courtesy Universal Pictures

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- With just two days and a few hours of life remaining for the denizens of God’s creation, Judgment Day mouthpiece Harold Camping -- of Christian media leviathan, Family Stations -- has divulged more details about the Second Coming of Christ. In Camping’s latest revelation, he attempts to narrow down the identity of the Antichrist. As foretold in the Book of Revelations, the nemesis of the Lord will likely assume the misleading form of a savior, widely believed to be a politician or an individual holding enormous global sway. Based on Family Stations’ Wednesday broadcast, former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the disgraced managing director of the International Monetary Fund (IMF), have become Camping’s two most feasible suspects.

LONDON, U.K. -- Alternative music pioneers Morrissey and Johnny Marr, co-founders of The Smiths, have often told reporters that a reunion would happen only if the world was about to end. With that eventuality slated for May 21, the musicians have announced the long-awaited reunion of the band. Progressive rock legends Pink Floyd have also agreed to a live Judgment Day concert under a similar rationale.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- With just four days remaining in the planet’s unraveling circle of life, the grim and inexplicably bizarre omens of Doomsday continue to sweep the globe. The May 21 Judgment Day prophesy of Harold Camping, initially met with vast skepticism, now appears to have gained enough traction to make even the most agnostic among us rethink the inevitability of existence beyond this weekend, due in large part to the media’s tireless reporting of disasters around the world.

“One man in New York spent his entire life savings of $140,000 to help get our message out,” said one of Camping’s representatives from Christian broadcaster Family Stations. “This is precisely what all of us should be doing now. And donating that money to Family Stations may just help grease the palms of our Lord Jesus Christ. The fate of your soul is in His hands, after all. A little proof of your willingness to sacrifice, in honor of His sacrifice, couldn’t hurt.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- The plagues of the End Times have shown no signs of relenting since Wednesday. This morning, a new series of Judgment Day horrors swept the world, affecting the United States, China, Spain, and Pakistan. Family Stations’ doom prophet, Harold Camping, called the developments “awesome news!”

He also went on to say, “Judgment Day is feared by the world and is the day that God will destroy the world because of the sins of mankind. There’s no greater expression of the Lord’s undying love than tearing apart billions of men, women, and children through a series of excruciating terrors, drawn out over a five-month period of ongoing torture. As warrior angels descend from the heavens to feast on the entrails of your babies, take comfort in knowing that after their bones have been picked clean, and their screams of anguish have turned to gurgles of blood and despair, a better life awaits them.”

To help mitigate some of the impact, Bennington Vale retailers have today begun selling Rapture Kits across San Narciso County.

SAN ANTONIO, Texas -- Severe storms across several states in the southern region of the United States caused havoc on Thursday, leaving a wake of property damage and power outages behind. With these storms coming just a day after the destructive earthquake in Spain, Harold Camping, Family Stations’ president, was elated to report that God’s wrath is progressing according to plan, and that the end of the world should certainly begin on May 21, as prophesied.