SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Easter, one of the most important holidays in Christendom, celebrates the resurrection of Jesus, who was said to have risen from the dead three days after his crucifixion. This supernatural event serves as the foundation of the religion, and is also cited as proof that God granted faithful adherents “a new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.” But based on reports recently leaked from a cemetery in the small Italian town of Buffalora, Jesus was not the only soul to return from the dead around this time of year. Even more troubling, according the cemetery’s current caretaker, is the increasingly unmanageable number of “resurrections” that have taken place over the past two Easters.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- It's been more than a year since the FBI reported no findings of evidence to substantiate racial bias in George Zimmerman's history or his shooting of a black Florida teen, Trayvon Martin. Yet Attorney General Eric Holder has tasked the Justice Department with trolling for email tips on the newly acquitted neighborhood watch volunteer from Sanford, Fla., as it considers a federal civil rights case against Zimmerman. Critics say Holder is bowing to pressure from Democratic lawmakers, civil rights leaders and organizations such as the NAACP. The National Rifle Association (NRA), which has spent large sums lobbying for lax gun controls and Stand Your Ground laws, blasted the Justice Department's efforts, stating that self-defense is a "fundamental human right," which ostensibly trumps the rights to life and liberty, as well as walking down the street with Skittles and iced tea. NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre went so far as to posit, "Jesus Christ would be alive today if he'd had a gun."

BUFFALORA, Italy -- Easter, one of the most important holidays in Christendom, celebrates the resurrection of Jesus, who was said to have risen from the dead three days after his crucifixion. This supernatural event serves as the foundation of the religion, and is also cited as proof that God granted faithful adherents “a new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.” But based on reports recently leaked from a cemetery in the small Italian town of Buffalora, Jesus was not the only soul to return from the dead around this time of year. Even more troubling, according the cemetery’s current caretaker, is the increasingly unmanageable number of “resurrections” that have taken place over the past two Easters.

Said Francesco Dellamorte, who oversees the graveyard, “It’s getting worse, and because of the sensitive nature of the subject, I can’t publicly appeal for help. But Buffalora was overrun by zombies this weekend, so the corpse is out of the crypt, as we say.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- With just four days remaining in the planet’s unraveling circle of life, the grim and inexplicably bizarre omens of Doomsday continue to sweep the globe. The May 21 Judgment Day prophesy of Harold Camping, initially met with vast skepticism, now appears to have gained enough traction to make even the most agnostic among us rethink the inevitability of existence beyond this weekend, due in large part to the media’s tireless reporting of disasters around the world.

“One man in New York spent his entire life savings of $140,000 to help get our message out,” said one of Camping’s representatives from Christian broadcaster Family Stations. “This is precisely what all of us should be doing now. And donating that money to Family Stations may just help grease the palms of our Lord Jesus Christ. The fate of your soul is in His hands, after all. A little proof of your willingness to sacrifice, in honor of His sacrifice, couldn’t hurt.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- The plagues of the End Times have shown no signs of relenting since Wednesday. This morning, a new series of Judgment Day horrors swept the world, affecting the United States, China, Spain, and Pakistan. Family Stations’ doom prophet, Harold Camping, called the developments “awesome news!”

He also went on to say, “Judgment Day is feared by the world and is the day that God will destroy the world because of the sins of mankind. There’s no greater expression of the Lord’s undying love than tearing apart billions of men, women, and children through a series of excruciating terrors, drawn out over a five-month period of ongoing torture. As warrior angels descend from the heavens to feast on the entrails of your babies, take comfort in knowing that after their bones have been picked clean, and their screams of anguish have turned to gurgles of blood and despair, a better life awaits them.”

To help mitigate some of the impact, Bennington Vale retailers have today begun selling Rapture Kits across San Narciso County.

SAN ANTONIO, Texas -- Severe storms across several states in the southern region of the United States caused havoc on Thursday, leaving a wake of property damage and power outages behind. With these storms coming just a day after the destructive earthquake in Spain, Harold Camping, Family Stations’ president, was elated to report that God’s wrath is progressing according to plan, and that the end of the world should certainly begin on May 21, as prophesied.

LORCA, Spain -- As Harold Camping’s eschatology theories of a May 21 apocalypse near, the first in the prophesied series of disasters has come to pass in Spain. Nations around the world extended condolences to the Spanish people over the tragedy. The extreme fundamentalist Christian followers of Harold Camping, however, were said to be thrilled with news of the incident (read the original Harold Camping article here).

A 5.2 magnitude earthquake, felt from Alicante to Madrid, destroyed several buildings on Wednesday, including a medieval church bell tower. It was the worst earthquake to hit Spain in over 50 years.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- By now, everyone in Bennington Vale has seen the signs promising the end of days on May 21, 2011. The prophecy is being spread by Family Stations, a 53-year-old Christian radio network with over 60 outlets. Family Stations is so convinced that God is ready to receive His devoted flock this year that they have posted over 3,200 billboards worldwide with the message: “The Bible guarantees it!”

According to their prediction, the world will be progressively shaken apart by earthquakes, beginning at 6:00 p.m. EDT on May 21 and continuing through October 21. During this period of cataclysm, the Rapture will call all true believers back to Heaven. As a result, and with heavy heart, The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript is issuing final paychecks to some staff members and preparing to temporarily cease publication at the end of next week -- which is also the end of the world.