SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Two of the world's most well-known violators of privacy and security are now being questioned by investors about their long-term sustainability after recent revelations of destabilized leadership and lackluster performance. Facebook disappointed shareholders last week when it reported a decline of over 13 percent. As a result, shares slumped to $21.71 at the close in New York on July 31. After three consecutive days of decline, the world's largest social network reported a drop to 6.2 percent -- an historic low. All in all, Facebook's value has waned 43 percent since its IPO. Like Facebook, international terror group al Qaeda has also delivered equally disappointing second-quarter figures. In a report issued last Tuesday, U.S. intelligence agencies declared terrorist attacks by al Qaeda to have reached their lowest levels since 2005. Analysts at Sanford C. Bernstein noted that both enterprises have created a difficult predicament for investors seeking to gain from long-term solvency and returns. "Still, if I were looking at the business model with the most staying power, something not easily displaced by the next new fad, I'd put my money on al Qaeda," said one economist.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- America used to be known as the international peacekeeper, but now seems to be emerging as the world's most beleaguered Human Resources department -- and nobody deals with HR unless they've got a hatchet to bury. Consider BP's recent filing of a legal motion against the White House to release over 21 emails related to cabinet-level discussions about the federal response to the Deepwater Horizon disaster two years ago. A court ruled against the request on June 11, stating that the government's deliberations did nothing to alter the fact that nearly a dozen people died while tons of oil saturated the Gulf due to BP's carelessness. BP countered that the government may have taken action before the oil spill had reached the legal limits warranting sanctions and regulatory intervention, and before the loss of employee life had crossed OSHA's implicit tolerance threshold for looking the other way. Congressional Republicans admitted that BP reasoned a much stronger case than the White House.

"Countries around the world are reshaping themselves into competing business entities and centers of commerce, not nation states. Geopolitical rules are being replaced with business procedures," said Len Waybill, head economist of the Peter Pinguid Society. This trend became more apparent Thursday when al Qaeda agencies in Pakistan filed a series of lawsuits alleging that U.S. workers, particularly employees of SEAL Team Six, had violated labor codes and created a hostile working environment that led to the wrongful termination of several executives.

JEDDAH, Saudi Arabia. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Saudi billionaire Prince Alwaleed bin Talal revealed plans Tuesday to construct the world’s tallest tower in the port city of Jeddah, signing a $1.23 billion contract with the Bin Laden Group -- an organization whose founding members have historically offered expertise only in tower demolitions. The proposed structure would exceed 1,000 meters in height and take more than five years to complete. Prince Alwaleed said the tower would serve as a political and economic symbol to the world that Saudis invest in their people. The Jeddah tower will include a hotel, serviced apartments, luxury condominiums and business offices. Investors in the region speculate that the project came in response to growing complaints of urban decay combined with massive housing demands from recent population explosions.

“It is a project undertaken in the spirit of pride,” one international land rights expert said. “But the Saudis will need to be careful about avoiding the transition into meaningless vanity or hubris. I mean, the last time a Middle Eastern group of people attempted to build a tower of this magnitude, an unexplained global communications failure occurred, which took thousands of years to resolve. But more than that, I worry about the decision to partner with the Bin Laden Group on this project. In my experience, the Bin Ladens have a horrendous track record around tall buildings that serve as monuments to opulence and commerce.”

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript)-- As San Narciso’s sapped resources struggle to put the Harold Camping apocalypse mess behind them and prepare for this weekend’s Carmageddon, new troubles arose Thursday as SWAT teams mobilized in Santa Calcetines where a suspicious package was found outside the Gottsgeld Department Store. Alert mall employees discovered the unattended cardboard box on the sidewalk near the main entrance.

“With the elevated terror alert, we didn’t take any chances,” said Ren Williams, SNPD spokesman. “SWAT teams and bomb disposal units were notified right away. For as traumatic as the end result turned out to be -- and I mean, there are some kids with permanent emotional scars -- I believe we made the right decision. You know, better safe than scared.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- The plagues of the End Times have shown no signs of relenting since Wednesday. This morning, a new series of Judgment Day horrors swept the world, affecting the United States, China, Spain, and Pakistan. Family Stations’ doom prophet, Harold Camping, called the developments “awesome news!”

He also went on to say, “Judgment Day is feared by the world and is the day that God will destroy the world because of the sins of mankind. There’s no greater expression of the Lord’s undying love than tearing apart billions of men, women, and children through a series of excruciating terrors, drawn out over a five-month period of ongoing torture. As warrior angels descend from the heavens to feast on the entrails of your babies, take comfort in knowing that after their bones have been picked clean, and their screams of anguish have turned to gurgles of blood and despair, a better life awaits them.”

To help mitigate some of the impact, Bennington Vale retailers have today begun selling Rapture Kits across San Narciso County.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- After a passenger failed to disembark from a Celebrity Cruise ship on Wednesday, a thorough search of the vessel concluded that the woman was not on board. Footage taken aboard the ship showed the 39-year-old woman straddling a railing Monday night and letting go. The Coast Guard suspended its search after reviewing the closed circuit video.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- After days of wrestling with the issue of whether to release photos of Osama bin Laden’s corpse, President Obama announced Wednesday that the images would not be distributed because of potential risks.

“We’ve done DNA sampling and testing, and so there was no doubt we had killed Osama bin Laden,” Obama told correspondents on “60 Minutes,” responding to concerns that the man killed was not the infamous head of al Qaeda. But White House advisers and military leaders certified that bin Laden had died during the U.S. raid on the compound in Pakistan on Monday, and agreed that producing the photos for public viewing could create serious problems for domestic security.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Sunday’s news of Osama bin Laden’s death at the hands of the U.S. military was met with mixed reactions around the nation. Outside the White House grounds, crowds packed the streets to cheer as President Obama announced to the world the details of the operation that led to the terrorist’s demise. Former presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani mysteriously departed from his prepared statement to the press, instead muttering “911” over and over again with uncertain tears in his eyes. And Fox News’ Roger Ailes suspended programming for a moment of silence to commemorate the loss of the network’s greatest asset.

“This may be a precursor of a much longer silence to come,” Ailes reportedly told colleagues. “Really, what are we going to talk about now? We’ve lost America’s greatest villain. And by that, I mean President Obama. He’s going to be untouchable now.”