SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Tuesday, Comedy Central and NBC announced the departures of two pioneering fake news icons: Jon Stewart of “The Daily Show” and Brian Williams, managing editor and anchor of “NBC Nightly News.” While the timing is said to be coincidental, the similarities are eerie. Both men are highly respected within journalism circles, they represent a progressive voice in an increasingly conservative news environment, they are friends, and they have a rare gift for delivering fabricated stories with straight-faced gravitas. Millions of Americans took to social media this afternoon to express their feelings of loss and disappointment at the void both men will leave. The one difference, however, is that Stewart heads out on a career high, while Williams exits in disgrace. Unlike Stewart’s intentionally tongue-in-cheek and satirical fictions, Williams’ were revealed to break more toward perjury than parody -- or what NBC News President Deborah Turness called “broadcrafting, not broadcasting.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In January, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie became mired in scandal when revelations emerged that top aides in his administration orchestrated the politically motivated sabotage of the George Washington Bridge last September. Christie issued a brief public apology after the news broke, followed by two hours of self-indulgent, self-pitying and, at times, passive-aggressive assurances that he was “a very sad person.” Emails published by the Bergen Record presented indisputable evidence that Christie’s top staffers and allies plotted to create four days of lane closures on the bustling connector between New Jersey and New York. Christie fired those responsible and denied any involvement in the incident. But nearly four months later, the dark cloud that rained ruin over his career continues to show no signs of dissipating. On Thursday, the embattled governor and former GOP presidential contender announced that he had commissioned an internal investigation into his possible abetting of “Bridgegate,” which ultimately cleared him of any wrongdoing.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Thursday, after a day of silence and strategizing in the wake of revelations that top aides in his administration orchestrated the politically motivated sabotage of the George Washington Bridge in September, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie appeared before the press to issue a brief public apology followed by two hours of self-indulgent, self-pitying and, at times, passive-aggressive assurances that he was "a very sad person today." Emails published by the Bergen Record on Wednesday presented indisputable evidence that Christie's top staffers and allies plotted to create four days of lane closures on the bustling connector between New Jersey and New York. Christie fired those responsible and denied any involvement in the incident, but his hefty smorgasbord of inconsistent and dubious statements served to further implicate him as another big fat liar in the scandal, particularly when he told reporters he first heard of the emails while he was "working out."

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Until 10 days ago, most Americans had never heard of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. Which seems unusual given his astounding track record of disregarding political correctness in favor of making blunt, often weird statements such as implying bicyclists who are killed on roadways deserve their fates for having the gall to use thoroughfares intended for motor vehicles, or that "Oriental people work like dogs… I'm telling you, the Oriental people, they're slowly taking over." To his credit, Ford didn't go so far as to say "Oriental people" eat dogs. But there's always next week. Now, some media are reporting the existence of a homemade video that captures scenes of Ford enjoying crack cocaine. But instead of calling for his ouster, Ford's constituents seem to be defending him, and his popularity and notoriety have noticeably increased. Scandal, it would seem, is a mystical oven that bakes contradictions into delicious pies of irony . And lesser-known political figures in the United States want a slice.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In an unexpected development Monday, Pope Benedict XVI announced that he will be retiring at the end of the month, marking the first papal resignation is nearly 600 years. The pope's letter shocked world leaders, Vatican experts and even his closest aides. Although a rare occurrence, there are no prohibitions in Canon Law -- the Catholic Church's governing code -- preventing a pope from abdicating his throne. Canon Law requires only that the pope quit of his own accord and publish his intentions publicly to validate the move. But in a time of deep schisms within the Church -- over conservative, outdated beliefs and myriad scandals -- those responsible for maintaining the Petrine ministry say they will act quickly to find a worthy successor to "steer the ship of Saint Peter" away from the rocky shores toward which it has been heading for over a decade. Several priests have already resigned or been prosecuted for their roles in countless child sex abuse cases. Pope Benedict himself experienced great difficulty in diffusing the situations. For that reason, Vatican officials on Monday announced the equally surprising move of hiring former Penn State University administrators to oversee the selection process for Benedict's replacement.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- To Bennington Vale locals, homemaker Emmeline Kuchenkoch needs no introduction. Chances are, if you've dined at Piers Addleson's Pea House and ordered a cake, the heady Linzer Torte or the bemusing marzipan characters inspired by the Passion of Christ, then you've sampled Kuchenkoch's wares. The Addleson family has been reselling her delicacies for over 40 years in their restaurant. But scandal rocked San Narciso County Tuesday when rivals at the struggling Hearth Attack bakery discovered damaging information that pressured Emmeline Kuchenkoch to confess, "My Christmas fruitcake is not actually world famous."

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Findings from CERN's Large Hadron Collider made waves in the scientific community recently by calling into question a popular physics theory known as Supersymmetry, which has been used to explain away discrepancies in the Standard Model for years. The observation of bizarre meson decay forced physicists back to formula this week to reevaluate established principles. While science has a lot more explaining to do, its attempts to unlock the secrets of creation have failed to rival the mysteries of the human heart that are puzzling psychologists attempting to dissect Gen. David Petraeus' sordid affair and discover why powerful people cheat. But in the course of their investigations, they found that even the mediocre and banal are cheating too, and that Petraeus' affair would have had no measurable impact on government or the election. "We really thought we'd be able to delve into this matter using a rather straightforward approach, but we've become mired in new and unforeseen perplexities," remarked Dr. Hilarus Lustig, chief psychologist for San Narciso County’s Office of Health and Human Services (OHHS). "The biggest challenge facing us at present is attempting to answer the question: Why does anybody give a crap?"

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- CIA Director David Petraeus, a retired four-star General, resigned his post Friday after admitting to having an extramarital affair. The shocking revelation brought an abrupt close to his brief stint at the CIA and marred a highly lauded national security career. At one time, because of his pristine record, military decorations and exemplary conduct, Petraeus was considered a prospective presidential candidate. White House representatives said he met with President Obama on Thursday to tender his resignation over the infidelity. He had been married 37 years, although military officials said they suspected Petraeus of adultery for some time. The person most rocked by the discovery, however, was General Petraeus himself, who uncovered the scandal after coming across a series of incriminating emails that described an affair he was having with a former military officer named Paula Broadwell.

TEHRAN, Iran (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) --An Iranian court has found four individuals guilty for their parts in a banking scandal that caused serious complications for the government and led to the ouster of several executives. Officials have sentenced those responsible to death. Directors at an Iranian investment company used forged documents to embezzle $2.6 billion in secured loans to purchase state-owned enterprises in the fraudulent scheme. The incident was discovered in 2011, and over 39 people were identified as being involved. "According to the sentence that was issued, four of the accused in this case were sentenced to death," a judiciary spokesman told state media. News of the executions, however localized, managed to draw the attention of politicians in the United States, sparking a polarizing debate between Democrats and Republicans after a surprising number of struggling, middle class taxpayers said the bold move had given them "newfound respect" for Iran.

Kevin Winter/Getty Images

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Actress Kristen Stewart released a public apology Wednesday to longtime boyfriend and "Twilight" costar Robert Pattinson after photogs captured proof of her fling with up-and-coming British director Rupert Sanders, who worked with Stewart on the recent "Snow White and the Huntsman" film. The images showed Stewart kissing and hugging Sanders on the set of the movie. "I'm deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I've caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I'm so sorry," Stewart, 22, said in a statement. Sanders, nearly 20 years her senior, issued a similar apology to his wife, model Liberty Ross, and their two young children. Even though the pair decided to spend the three-month shoot having sex with each other instead of their legitimate partners, both have expressed regret over the indiscretion and steadfast love for the humiliated cuckolds whose lives they ruined. But Hollywood insiders claim the illicit assignation was actually a selfless sacrifice to help heal a grieving nation.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Father Vantz Lagstrom, a priest from Pennsylvania who was visiting Father Preternature in Bennington Vale last week on a Catholic goodwill mission, was released from police custody Wednesday with no charges filed. The arrest followed Father Lagstrom's drunken disruption of the annual Father's Day Fest last Sunday, held near the Fangoso Lagoons recreational area at Lake Inverarity. Eyewitnesses could not explain what prompted Lagstrom's actions, saying only that they saw him dive into the lake, swim across to the Social Hall, and seize the microphone from Mayor Manny DiPresso during his address. Preternature surmised that Lagstrom may have indulged "too mightily in the blood of the host" and been "grievously distressed" by the strong anti-Catholic sentiments of the county's predominantly Protestant population. Regardless of the impetus, Lagstrom, 54, was undeniably inebriated and overwrought when he put himself in peril by swimming 50 feet across the lake in his heavy frock. "Trying to use a large gold crucifix and oversized bible as makeshift paddles also appeared counterproductive," SNPD spokesperson Ren Williams noted. "That he didn't drown is truly miraculous."

LONDON, U.K. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Rebekah Brooks, the former head of Rupert Murdoch's British newspapers, and Prime Minister David Cameron have enjoyed a friendship with each other for years, involving secretive phone calls and even horses, but the full extent of their cozy relationship was revealed Thursday after the disclosure of an embarrassing and professionally incriminating text message at the Leveson Inquiry. The juiciest morsel in the not-at-all-sexually-charged text from Brooks to Cameron read: "I am so rooting for you tomorrow not just as a personal friend but because professionally we're definitely in this together. Speech of your life? Yes he Cam!" The message, originally sent the night before Cameron's speech to the Annual Conference, reinforced the image of a government in bed with a powerful media clique. Prior to that, during the last general election campaign, Cameron and Brooks exchanged up to two text messages a week, with Cameron signing off "LOL" -- meaning "lots of love." Unfortunately, that was it. The court disproved the existence of a dirty, forbidden, fetish-ridden, and shameful sexual affair, which caused chaos throughout the suburbs of London.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The U.S. Secret Service is struggling to recover from a scandal that broke around April 14 when agents were discovered taking prostitutes to their hotel rooms just days before President Obama's visit to Colombia. The Secret Service is one of the nation's most regarded and elite squads, tasked with ensuring the security of the president. But the Cartagena investigation has not only embarrassed the United States, it has also prompted a series of new allegations by unnamed sources who claim that federal agents and military officers regularly solicited sex workers in foreign countries. One subcontractor testified that Secret Service advance teams received sexual favors in the VIP room of a San Salvador strip club. Despite the attention the scandal has generated, President Obama urged the public not to consider the disgraced employees representative of the wider organization. "This isn't an investment firm. It's the Secret Service. A couple of knuckleheads shouldn't detract from what they do," Mr. Obama added, startling reporters with the harshest language he's used since calling Osama bin Laden a "jerk face" and Libyan strongman Muammar Gaddafi "a stinky doo-doo head." But Wednesday's Senate hearing was focused on discovering whether Obama was ever at risk because of the situation.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- To Bennington Vale locals, homemaker Emmeline Kuchenkoch needs no introduction. Not only is she one of San Narciso's most sought-after bakers, she also happens to be the mother-in-law of GOP White House contender and area resident, F. Chester Greene. Chances are, if you've dined at Piers Addleson's Pea House and ordered a cake, the heady Linzer Torte or the bemusing marzipan characters inspired by the Passion of Christ, then you've sampled Kuchenkoch's wares. The Addleson family has been reselling her delicacies for over 40 years in their restaurant. But scandal rocked San Narciso County Friday when F. Chester Greene's political opponents discovered damaging information that pressured Emmeline Kuchenkoch to confess: "My Christmas fruitcake is not actually world famous."

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Rupert Murdoch's News International paid restitutions to seven more prominent figures in the wake of the phone hacking scandal that brought down the News of the World tabloid. In a statement released Tuesday, the company said it had settled claims brought by Princess Diana's former lover James Hewitt, lawmaker Mark Oaten, model Abi Titmuss, theatrical agent Michelle Milburn, television personalities Ukrika Jonsson and Calum Best, and Paul Dadge, who helped rescue victims during the 2005 terrorist bombings in London. The scandal erupted after authorities discovered that journalists and private investigators on the Murdoch payroll had routinely hacked into the phones of celebrities, politicians, professional athletes and crime victims. Struggling to recover profits, confidence in leadership and public trust, CEO Rupert Murdoch announced today that his media empire would be giving back to society with a special holiday gift for the children of the world.

MACON, Ga. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- White House hopeful Rick Perry might not know how many branches of government there are, the national voting age, the number of U.S. states, the average quantity of toes on an Asian child, or how many Supreme Court Justices occupy the bench, but he knows that a secret cabal of gay-loving government Illuminati are killing prayer in school and open celebrations of Christmas by allowing homosexuals to serve in the military. "This administration's war on traditional American values must stop," Perry wrote in a statement issued to the press. "President Obama has again mistaken America's tolerance for different lifestyles with an endorsement of those lifestyles. I will not make that mistake. I'm gonna end this war. And the fastest way to stop an enemy is to take out its soldiers -- gays in the armed forces, in this case."

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Embattled presidential hopeful Herman Cain told his staffers Tuesday that he is reassessing his campaign after allegations surfaced Monday about a 13-year affair he carried on with a Georgia woman named Ginger White. Many analysts have already written Cain off as a viable contender, leaving him to fester at the bottom of the heap with Rick Santorum, who recently embarked on a new tour across the nation to ask voters if they knew whether he was still running in the GOP race.

LOS ANGELES, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- According to entertainment sources, Scarlett Johansson has contacted the FBI to investigate naked pictures of her leaked Wednesday to BuzzFeed, a popular viral media site. The 26-year-old actress was also listed among more than 50 celebrities whose email accounts and smartphones had been hacked by paparazzi looking for dirt. The distorted photos posted Wednesday show a woman who appears to be Johansson, taking iPhone pictures of her bare backside and breasts. Agents at the FBI, however, said they won’t prioritizing this particular complaint: “In the case of Ms. Johansson, our offices understand that nearly every male over the age of 20 in Hollywood has seen her naked in hotel rooms, elevators, lounges, cars, dog walking parks, Kinkos, gas stations, sporting events, churches, ice cream socials, the DMV, you name it. The public distribution of these images should be a non-issue. But we are still looking into the criminal aspect of the trespass.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Jeff Gordon won his third season victory today at Atlanta Motor Speedway, the 85th of his career, but NASCAR fans throughout San Narciso County missed out on the celebrations. “I’m outraged,” snarled Irv Spurlott, a stock car enthusiast from Bennington Vale. “We got cheated, and I demand an explanation. If my wife hadn’t flipped over to the news, which was showing Gordon holding his trophy, I never would’ve known what was happening.”

Spurlott’s frustration was echoed by all NASCAR devotees in the county. George Newman, general manager of local cable provider RJ Fletcher Communications, issued a formal apology Tuesday evening for airing footage from freeway traffic cameras in place of the actual NASCAR race.

LONDON, U.K.. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Parliament released new documents Tuesday that contradicted the testimony given to lawmakers last month by James Murdoch about News International’s role in the now infamous phone hacking scandal. During the hearing, Murdoch had denied that he knew of an email that included transcripts of 35 hacked conversations, but a former lawyer for News International named Tom Crone asserted that Murdoch was indeed aware of the electronic correspondence. “I have no doubt,” Crone’s letter read, “that I informed Mr. Murdoch of its existence, what it was and where it came from.” Given the obsessive and controlling management style attributed to Rupert Murdoch -- James Murdoch’s father and head of News International -- the revelation of this new evidence would seem to imply that the Murdochs were cognizant of and complicit in the illegal activities.

But in an intriguing turn of events, a day that threatened to impugn Rupert Murdoch’s reputation for ethics and integrity was turned around by news of his heroism, after London police reported that the octogenarian news mogul was responsible for saving the life of a drowning infant.