SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Bill O’Reilly’s ouster from Fox News, amid revelations of a costly sexual harassment cover up, has also put President Trump in an awkward and embarrassing predicament. At the end of March, Trump declared April 2017 to be National Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Some progressive opponents accepted the gesture, hoping for an earnest commitment from the White House, even if politically motivated. Others derided the president’s sentiments as ironic and brazen, citing examples of his misogynistic exploits, including a public defense of O’Reilly. When questioned about Trump’s support of O’Reilly, Press Secretary Sean Spicer reluctantly admitted that the president’s intent with National Sexual Assault Awareness Month was to honor the “perverts, rapists and sexual predators who represent the values of America’s great leadership, and who have fueled a thriving patriarchy that created the most powerful nation in the world.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Bill Clinton was once referred to as America’s “first black president” by Nobel prize-winning author Toni Morrison and Sen. Bernie Sanders. Barack Obama, according to respected Republican pundits, was the nation’s second black president and the first foreign-born Islamic jihadist to occupy the White House. Our latest commander-in-chief has demonstrated a lifetime of profound respect and passion for women. It would be insulting not to brand Trump the country’s “first female president.” And this International Women’s Day, his global ambitions were realized as China approved 38 Trump business trademarks, including one for escort services. “With this terrific deal, we can help get Chinese women out of the sweatshops and into the glamorous, lucrative field of prostitution,” the president said, wiping a proud tear from his eye.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Republican presidential candidate Donald J. Trump triumphed Tuesday night in his surprise victory over political rival Hillary Clinton, proving once again that the nation must never underestimate the power of frightened white people. As Trump’s electoral lead grew throughout the night, global financial markets crashed. However, they rose again early Wednesday after Trump’s polished acceptance speech. His ascendency also benefited some businesses directly. Rosetta Stone, provider of educational foreign language software, saw its revenues soar as millions of Americans signed up, frantically hoping to master Canadian French, German, Spanish and even British English. But for joyous conservatives, a Trump presidency spells welcome change -- in a doctrine of no change at all, or reverting back to the idyllic America of the 1950s. Most importantly, Trump will be the first commander-in-chief to finally win the bitter war on women.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The rift between Donald Trump and Republicans continues to widen. Not only has the GOP presidential nominee launched relentless attacks targeting House Speaker Paul Ryan, he has frequently dismissed or countered statements by his running mate, Gov. Mike Pence (R-Ind.). The beleaguered vice presidential candidate appears to be foundering in his efforts to stave off Trump’s verbal and sexual assaults against women. The tactics of evading the issue or redirecting conversations to national security have done little to assuage critics. In a last-ditch move to placate Trump’s unsavory urges, Pence has reportedly purchased a custom-made RealDoll, the lifelike sex toy that replicates the physical dimensions and aesthetics of a woman. Spokespeople for Pence defended the unorthodox decision as a way for Trump to act out his predatory tendencies without actually assaulting women, or raping teenage girls.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Mike Pence is experimenting with a new PR approach to downplay Trump’s derogatory views on women: redirect all questions to terrorism. On Friday, reporters spoke to the vice presidential candidate about his running mate’s misogynistic behavior. An 11-year-old girl, they said, confessed her pain over Trump’s disrespectful comments about women, which the GOP nominee has brushed off as “locker room” banter. Pence responded by assuring the girl, and women everywhere, that the Trump campaign is committed -- committed to ending terrorism. Having no arrows in his quiver with which to protect Trump’s ruined reputation, Pence adopted a new strategy of pivoting to remarks about national security. We interviewed the candidate to learn more about the campaign’s shift in focus. Following is a transcript. (Note: Representatives for Pence vehemently denied his participation in the conversation).

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Last Wednesday, conservative leaders suffered another setback in the war on women when House Representatives reluctantly canceled a vote on a controversial bill banning abortions after 20 weeks of pregnancy, instead replacing it with less extreme restrictions. The decision came one day before the anniversary of the landmark 1973 Supreme Court ruling in Roe v. Wade. But champions for the right-to-life remained undaunted. On Thursday, after a week of fevered brainstorming and amendments, influential House leaders proposed a new “female-friendly” bill. It marks a radical departure in strategy. If passed, male masturbation, in which millions of sperm are left to die on towels or tissues after ejaculation, will be outlawed -- and prosecuted as a capital offense.

“Voters want a more idyllic world, like the one in the 1950s. And we’re committed to dragging this country back 60 years so they can have it.” ~ F. Chester Greene, San Narciso Tea Party Chairman

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- After Tuesday’s electoral sweep, the Republican Party took its place as America’s dominant political faction, controlling both chambers of Congress. The primary challenge confronting conservatives now is how to rectify the issues that led to rampant disillusionment among the nation’s voters. Remember, this is the first time since 2006 that the GOP has taken control of Congress, when they lost their majorities in the House and Senate during midterm elections that were marred by widespread discontentment over the failed policies of the Bush administration. Now, they have recaptured their claim on government through a similar sense of disaffection. Fixing the economy, Republicans believe, will lead to the restoration of the values and prosperity that fueled that nation’s past success. So their first order of business is to revive once thriving industries and they jobs they created, beginning with asbestos, lead and large-scale apparel manufacturing.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- For a fourth consecutive year, the San Narciso County Chamber of Commerce will host the community’s annual Haunted House Spooktacular, which opens Friday at 6:00 p.m. in the Lake Inverarity Social Hall. In years past, the event has drawn more police and paramedics than Halloween thrill-seekers. The 2013 Spooktacular was shuttered after three short hours of operation. Problems arose when parents failed to exercise caution by bringing along children under the age of 12. The theme for last season’s ghastly tour was “Death Panel: American Nightmares,” a politically charged horror show that envisioned a chilling apocalypse of socialism and forced euthanasia unleashed by a mysterious Kenyan serving as a U.S. president. Undaunted, the Chamber of Commerce will push forward this week with a new attraction that the local Tea Party chapter has deemed the scariest, most prophetic nightmare any conservative who cherishes family values, Jesus, patriotism and legal citizenship status will experience this All Hallow’s Eve.